nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands...<3

december 31, 2003 // 12:01am
good-bye 2003.

Last day of this year. And I have to say, its been a pretty good year dispite the fact that I didn't really accomplish much. Lets see, I didn't learn anything new or read a lot or win anything or grow in height or win a million dollars, so yes, this year was much less productive. I did, however, finish off the first year of high school with flying colors, and completed the initiation into the more adult world by finishing my freshman year of high school. I met Alex, my wonderful boyfriend who is the best companion I've ever had. I met Alex, one of, if not the best, friends I've ever had to this day. I severed connections and weakend others and boiled down my ring of friends to two, well, four, people. I've met so many new people and had so many life-altering experiences this year, as well. I realized I'm more likeable than I had ever thought myself to be in the past. I've yo-yoed which is just horrible. But I did become exposed to some great music, with the help of Alex, which I'm so amazingly happy to be familiar with. I kind of seriously got back to writing and expanded a little more on my singing as well as began a little photography experimentation. Had some awesome times at the Temple, with Alex of course. He's taken up so much of my year which is so nice. This year I had gotten this site up from the rut it was in for over half a year and I believe I did some good work with it. My summer had been boring but memorable because I felt like I parted with my childhood this year. I guess I grew up. It's sad really, I'm kinda like Wendy; I really don't want grow up, but I know its inevitable and I realized this year that I've severed most ties with my childhood. That means, I guess I really did grow up this year.. that's so sad to think about..

Wow.

december 30, 2003 // 12:35am
got a little black book with my poems in it

Shoutout to my main man Alex who's entered the geek club of people who have and love their websites. He's linked, so go take a look. I spent some quality time with the television today at my grandmother's house and a few great things came to my attention. Firstly, I saw some infommercial on Nickleodeon that offered a CD with 18 of this year's hottest song like "Bring Me To Life," "Jenny from the Block," and "Bootylicious" sung by children. CHILDREN! By a retarded level from one to ten, this one ranks a plump eight. What the fuck are ten-year-old children doing singing these songs? Who listens to this shit? I'm just speechless. Then I realized how much of a bitch the paparazzi and the media are. I see all these Access Hollywood shows, Behind the Scenes, Behind the Music, E! True Hollywood Stories, Hot or Not, fashion this and pregnant that and Hollywood romances and flings and weddings and dating and babies and oh my god, I can't take it! Society has become so unbelievably arrogant to stick its nose and talk about the lives of people they don't even know! Who cares what she wore to the Oscars? Who gives a shit who he's dating? It's none of your fucking business and people should learn to stay out of it. But everyone is so hungry to know what the stars are doing with their lives, they want pictures and videos and quotes to cause commotion and whatnot. I'll even bring the Clinton scenario into this; who cares who he got head from? That is NO ONE'S business, and there should not have been such crazy media knowledge and coverage of it. The Ben and JLo fling, too. I mean, the paparazzi led them to the point where they just decided not to get married. Who care's who is dating who? You don't know these people personally, their relationships are not going to affect your family relations. How egoistic can you be, who are you to be the judge of them? Who are you to say what is right or wrong for them to do, wear, or say? I'd like some serious media coverage of how my ass has grown so that the whole world can nod and say, "Yeh, she totally should not have eaten that chocolate bar last time she had lunch in school." I just really want to know how the life or celebrities will stop the world from turning on its axis, how it will affect every single individual who buys the Globe or the National Inquirer. And all these "specialists" running around, talking about how so-and-so wore a horrible dress, talking about someone who they've probably never met and saying that they're not "hot" because their second album or movie didn't do as well as the first. Bitch, you ain't never HAD their kind of opportunities and attention, so stop whining and complaining about your jealousy. Retarded rating of entertainment specials and their devil specialists? Ten.

december 29, 2003 // 12:18am
shake it like a polaroid picture!

Heeeey yaa! Had one o' dem splurge days today: haircut, pants, movies. I got to see Peter Pan with my mother and sister. I have to say, dispite the awesome story and nice cinematics, I didn't think much of its, shall I say, message. The main theme of the story of Peter Pan is that growing up sucks and that being a kid is the best thing in your life; however, this version focused on the immaturity of 13-year-old boys due to their lack of understanding about love. Let me explain. From the very beginning, Wendy and Peter Pan are all googly-eyed about each other, they're always really close to each other, breathing down each other's neck, looking into each other's eyes, flirting, like an intro to a porno. Somewhere in the middle, after dancing passionately, Wendy asks Peter whether he has "any feelings for her," and upon learning about his lack of understanding toward the matter goes to cry about it to Captain Hook. They discuss Peter's immaturity, that he's still very much a child who knows not about the feeling of love. Blah blah blah, then they have a too-long-to-be-PG-rated kiss, not to mention that through the whole movie there's a close-up of Wendy's full, wet lips. So, by the time I left the theater, I saw Wendy as some high school senior with huge boobs and blow-job lips whose boyfriend, Peter, has commitment and maturity issues and she finally ends up finding happiness with an older man who knows how to treat her better than some pretentious high school prick. They brutaly butchered a classic.
Speaking of butchering, I have about had it with Linkin Park. I am so sick of their whining about how no one loves me! I don't belong! and I'm feeling hurt and abused by society and its rules! I guess they're trying to embrace "teenage issues" that are haunting lonely teenagers who think no one cares about them. Well you know what? Cry me a fucking river. Whats worst of all is that people use their lyrics to show me "they know how I feel!!" These people should all stop wallowing in self-pity, because self-pity is the absolutely worst characteristic of human nature. Besides, isn't their "message" and music kind of redundant? It just all sounds the same to me and people should stop defiling their minds with all this bullshit. Realizing that other people feel like you can seem like a completely new revelation, you might realize you're not the only one feeling hated and whatnot, so now you can whine about it to each other! Linkin Park is a sorry, piece-of-shit band that makes its money off retarded people. Now shake it like a polaroid picture!

december 28, 2003 // 12:44am
and she returned and there was much rejoicing.

Well, I'm back from Canada. I hope you all had a prosperous Chanukah and Christmas and whatnot. I spent a wonderful week abusing my body on the slopes of and huge mountain with Morris, so I had a lot of fun. We stayed in a three-floor house complete with TVs! Lots of them! The only thing we watched from about 3:30 when all the lifts closed to about 11:30 when we went to bed was Much Music, the only watchable channel of Canadian Television, which is basically the Canadian version of MTV with alot of MTV shows. I have officially had my share of Christina, Britney, Madonna, and Beyonce, which are great favorites to those cooky Canadians. Watching their videos over and over and over again, I realized what music has turned into: soft-core porn. Or striptease. Because you can't LISTEN to that kind of music, you have to watch it, which means you need a busy night in some strip bar. Christina Aguilera is such a fucking prostitute. I found a picture of her humping the air with her ass falling out of her.. can you call that underwear?

And she wants to produce a positive image to all girls. Ok, so when do those parental advisory pricks step in and say "Gee, I think this one will have to be moved to the Spice Channel"? Its fucking disguting. Those poor, nice Canadian children are forever scarred because of some wannabe prostitute who feels, and I quote, "conservative and covered-up in clothes." What she sings is not music, I don't even want to call it a song, I can pull out better notes from Rosie Odonell's ass. Pop is dead, man, hookers and strippers have suffocated it.
Which leads me to the other one, Britney. Now Madonna, who I still continue to respect despite the fact that she exploits her children and shows them what mommy really likes infront of millions of people, has clung onto Britney, this young, bodacious star who usually covers herself up decently for publicity and thats fine, I guess. And, sure, I understand that Britney's grown from a 15-year-old singing sensation to a 19-year-old whore on wheels who wants to "express herself" more and become "more open." Thats why getting all homosexual is a fine example for little girls who grew up dancing to "Crazy," like my sister.

But seriously now. Frankly, I'm apalled by Christina Aguilera, although you could never expect anything else from her, and I can't let most of the Britney/Madonna thing slide. I'm not much of a feminist but I felt degrated by the fourth viewing of Christina's air-humping and Britney's and Madonna's hide-and-seek, that is after I went through, interest, excitement, and arousal. But seriously, if you want to feel expressive and naked and whatever, don't do it in a way that will make people lose respect for you. Sure, you'll gain some million guy-fans with raging hard-ons, but when you're old and sad with your piles of money and cheap friends, you'll realize you lost your dignity years ago with your clothes. Exploiting your body is not wrong as long as you're keeping it in moderation and knowing where to stop and homosexuality is a-OK with me, but don't use it to make yourself popular. I'm just at a lack of words of how to phrase my disappointment with the way a lot of women act today, I can hadrly get my thoughts together about these three. All in all, The "Dirrty" and "Me Against the Music" videos are just begging to slowly shift into pornos, and I think that Christina, Britney, and Madonna can all get "creative" and "expressive" together and put their minds to putting out a nice lesbian porno. Who just got turned on?

december 16-27, 2003 // 7:53pm
winter break: girls gone wild!

I've decided not to blog until I return from Canada. All of y'all have a kick-ass start of vacation, word up to all my Chanukah-celebrating Hebrews, and all you Christians enjoy your single night of holidays.

december 14, 2003 // 7:53pm
its beginning to look alot like chanukah!

Math - 95
Chem - 91
Health - 85
Strings - 93
French - 96
Global - 99
Technology - 90
English - 95

Oh my god, I want a cookie. I want a cookie SO badly, I am craving the cookie. Make me elated this Chanukah, give me a cookie.

december 14, 2003 // 7:53pm
you fucking guy..

Praise Allah, they caught Saddam. Apparently, he was hiding in a little dirt hole and now Americans all over the continent are patting themselves on the back. Its a great moment in time, though. He's so weak and battered and morally destroyed, I don't think it'll take them long to pry out where the WMDs are, and thats a great reward for Bush and Blair. I commend them.

Its been, what? Nine months? I could've given birth by now. But you know I love you, and I truly never stopped. And I won't. Ever. You are every fiber of my being.

december 10, 2003 // 7:53pm
darling, its incredible.

That someone so unforgettable, thinks that I am unforgettable too.

So I have been diseased. Yesterday was horrible because I got sick right in school and I knew by 9th period that I couldn't make it down the stairs on my own. I went down to Alex who I knew I could cling too and he walked me down the stairs. He walked me down the street and fed me. He walked me into the subway and held me. He walked me home and comforted me and my aches. He sat with me in the car and held my hand. He kissed me on the forehead and told me he loved me. And today, sitting home alone with only my songs to comfort me and me tea and my pills and my lonely, cold, desolate bed, he came back to me. And he held me again. And he sang to me. And he whispered to me. And he hugged me. And he made me feel so so so much better. And he proved to me, yet again, just how unforgettable he is. I cannot thank you enough, but if you feel my heart pounding restlessly, know, darling, that it beats for you.

december 05, 2003 // 10:59pm
came in through the window last night.

And you're gone!! Today was the first BIG snow of the winter. Ever see those clips of a guy and a girl kissing under a snowfall? Well, its pretty much unexplainably wonderful. Everything around you is glittery and white and soft and quiet and cold but you're with someone warm and its so pretty. Everything is just so pretty.

december 01, 2003 // 5:14pm
parachuting is sex with -- fuck it.

Wowie, the first day of the last month of the third year of the second millennia. Unbelievable. The holidays shall soon be upon us and oh, how I can't wait!! The lights are starting to come out all over the place, the buildings are covered in bright little bulbs, stores are hanging up signs and Met Food across the street is ready to give me two turkeys for the price of one. In three weeks, vacation will start. Sweet, sweet vacation, how I love thee!

It felt winter-cold today. Or maybe it was because I wore a skirt for the first time since fifth grade. I bought two shirts and two skirts this weekend and I got so excited that I couldn't stand not wearing one today, which was a bad idea. One, it was cold. Granted, it wasn't cold enough for me to moan and cry about it, but by the time I got home, my legs were freezing. And two, well, I decided I don't look so great in skirts and that I didn't impress anyone with my outfit, so I'll stick to pants, and maybe skirts on holidays. I kinda felt like this girl in my english class who is, to say the least, really large and horendously ugly. Well, on Halloween, she wore a mini skirt with her fat, stubby thighs popping out the side because her ass made it look like a parachute, and the top she wore was one of those shirts you expect to see huge women in thier 50s wear to Russian restaurants and in the back, her thick beige bra strap was coming out and you could see the clasps through these cutouts in the back, and she had her hair in two pigtails at the side. I guess she wanted to look like a whore or a slut but she forever branded that image into my mind and thats how I felt in my skirt today when I would look down to my Converses and see my stubby calves. I didn't feel too sexy. Sometimes I just want to feel sexy, to feel like Alex is looking at me with wide eyes and an open mouth with drool slowly dripping off the side of his mouth. And its only Alex, too. I feel if he doesn't think my outfit or I look extraordinary, if he doesn't comment on how good or how cool I look, I'm never wearing it again, that it was too much, it doesn't suit me, its not my style, I was stepping over the boundaries of what looks acceptable or good on me.

Speaking of Alex, I was so happy to finally see him today because I missed him SOOOOOOO much. And then we went together to pick up my new glasses! I was so excited to get them eventhough they feel kinda weird, as they should when you get a new pair. Avenue U was doused with those lights they hang up across the street with the bells and such and walking with him and seeing the colors made me feel very giddy. I can't, I don't know what it is, I want to smile without stopping and look at him and be enveloped in his eyes and feel my heart beating and my blood rushing and my brain going crazy from happiness. You've dug yourself into my body and now I can't live without your kiss.

november 28, 2003 // 11:45pm
frustration is sex with HTML.

Well, well, well. Its only been a few months since the last layout and I'm already bored of it. Version 10 features my favorite animals which were so nice to work with. I deleted quite a few links, they might reappear in the future, so don't get TOO scared. If you want to see the true beauty of my work, you have to use some sort of Mozilla browser or a good version of IE because with my old version fucks up alot of the details I put effort into perfecting. When I look at it through IE, the links are shifted all over the place, the background inside this frame is white, and the date/time of every blog entry is a very blan, black, Times New Roman when I initially made it an elegant, bold, Impact. It may not seem like much to you, but you may be missing out on a visually more pleasing site.

Alex has left me for this vacation. But distance is good because I'll squeeze him to death on Monday. I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was productive, I know mine was. I spent half the day cooking, an hour eating, and a whole day groaning about feeling forty pounds heavier. Stupid holidays.. Speaking of holidays, Chanukah and Christmas and New Years are coming up and I'm SO excited! My favorite part is not buying gifts or giving gifts or receiving gifts, but wrapping them. Oh my god, I LOVE wrapping gifts! It makes me so excited! So I definitely can't wait until the holidays.

Alright, distance may be good, but I miss him SO much. I feel like my heart jumped out of my chest and ran off for four days, I feel so empty. Come back faster!!

november 23, 2003 // 8:21pm
euphoria is sex with alex.

I wish you all to be Alex's girlfriend at one point in your life. Wow, the turns your heart will take, the unbelievable butterflies that your stomach will feel, the rush and speed your blood will have. Nothing is as exhilirating, nothing is as wonderful as opening your door and seeing him standing in front of you with a broad smile and dazzling eyes, ready to hold you and squeeze you. And then, your heart just feels like its ready to burst or jump out of your body and do the hula. Life just can't get any better. "He thought of me! He suprised me! He wanted me to tingle! He loves me!!" And then you go into a shrieking fit like some obsessed Beatles fan inside you heart like "OMG!!! OMG!!! ITS HIM!!! HE'S HERE!!! OMG!!!" And then you'll just want to hug him and thank him until your tongue falls and your gums start bleeding. Your whole body will shake from excitement, the adrenaline rushing to every fingertip so that you just want to run a marathon three times over. The bliss, the extacy, the enchantment.

No words can trully describe how I felt today when I opened my door to you. I am in extacy. Click =].

november 20, 2003 // 8:46pm
poetry is sex with words

Run, quickly!
From bulging leaf and rotten trunk
They choose to smile upon us.
Red dots
Adorning the uneven floor.
Quickly!
Overturn the moss
Dig your fingers
Into the moist soil.
How cheerfully they hide from us!
Look, now!
Another giggles!
They cannot run from us!
Their stubby legs
Can only choose to rest.
A harvest of the rain
Has come to play
Another round
Of hide-and-seek
We win!
And sprint across the fallen twigs
And rough gray boulders
To fill our baskets
With their smiling hats.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EMILY!!<3

november 17, 2003 // 5:22pm
who be you?

I remember meeting him on some Friday, maybe in April. From what random stories and anecdotes I had been told, I expected to see, well, someone else. He turned out to be tall and dark, with piercing eyes and flipped-up hair that would never go down. Broad shoulders, expensive clothes, long neck and a contagious smile. For the first time we began to notice each other in prefect after almost eight months of being completely oblivious to each other's existence. It's strange. You never known what the person sitting next to you will mean to you in the future. They can remain a dim memory, slowly fading from your mind over the years to the point where you just forget their name and what they look like, or perhaps they will remain in your life as something more tangible that a memory.

I can't say our friendship started out smoothly. There were obstacles and emotions and irrational thoughts. There were confrontations and arguments and promises for the future. But all shaky beginnings level off and after the summer, it was back to seeing each other in prefect. Only this time, we were a little smarter. A little taller. A little funnier. A little older. A little closer. There always hung around the air of attraction, the kind you experience when you meet someone for the first time and realize how much you have in common and that the other person thinks youre just as cool to talk to and hang out with as you do them. I'd like to believe the bond has grown stronger over the months. It seems after such a long time of anxiety and confusion, we're both happy in our own separate worlds.

Alex Polonsky is a silly boy. And as a friend, I will take the liberty of exposing him. He's completely immature. He's totally retarded. He's perverted. He's disgusting. He's loud. He's obnoxious. Rude. Conniving. Arrogant. Pompous. Conceited. Egoistic. Haughty. Proud. Overbearing. Stubborn. He's an asshole. But he is my friend, and NO ONE, let me bold that, NO ONE listens to me or understands me better than he does. Regardless of his vulgarity, he gives the best advice. He will take his time to complain, and I do so in turn. He can be serious and we can openly discuss issues of the mind and of the heart. He is open to me and I am thankful for that. He is understanding and caring. He has a kind heart and a giving soul and I am happy to have him as one of my closest friends. It would feel empty not having his friendship in the palm of my hand.

This has been your tribute. Just because you rock my socks<3.

november 10, 2003 // 9:44pm
meditative haikus.

I would like to sum up my feeling for today with a Haiku.

Plagued by your death stare
My face grotesque, distorted
Stare not at my cold sore!

Aww, how about another one?

Your concentration lost
Your eyes unnerving, wandering
You see the cold sore!

Ok, ok, one more.

You want to greet me
Alas! You've seen the cold sore
I watch you walk away

I hope I got my point across.

november 7, 2003 // 9:10pm
i was eating rice crackers.

Why didn't you call me? I had sat there all day listening to myself eat rice crackers as the hours moved along the slope of time. I'm not aware of which feeling came first, but in the midst of it all I felt like I wanted to kill you. I wanted neither solace nor solitude, I just wanted your head on a silver platter so I could scream incessantly, "Why didn't you call me!?" I was comfortably feeling betrayed rather than angry or upset with you. What were you afraid of? What didn�t you want to say to me? Is it truly so difficult to find faith in me? To trust me? To say that you had other maggots to shelter rather than the uneasiness of my heart? Betrayal, yes, and then guilt, irrational guilt that swept over my body with the ferocity of your hand meeting my face. Had I been too expectant? Had your attention and desire for me worn out? Where did I go wrong in this maze of lust and love? How long would it take until you led me out of its twists and turns? I was dependant on you. I needed your eyes to befriend me and your hand to guide me through the dark corners of my mind and of my heart until I could pass freely into the daylight. I curled my left leg under my right and bit into yet another rice cracker. I was covered in tiny crumbs that despite my best efforts found themselves a home on my shirt. I felt like a pig and quickly dusted them off so as not to loll in the essence. Do you dust me off like that? Have I ever taken the place of the annoying little crumb on you shirt? How I wished you would just tell me, just so I wouldn't live with the doubt. How I pleaded with myself to knock this perplexity from my conscience, to become aware of your scheme and live on. I rather be faced with the consequences than continue an oblivious existence, basking in your uncertainty. Why didn't you call me? Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you confide in me this one time? Rid me of my doubt, my remorse, my despair. Or embrace me and swear the world won't end while I'm in your arms. Guilt, yes, and then shame, burning shame that ran through each vein with the speed of a thousand smiles gone. Was I being irrational? Had my ego taken over, blindly searching for answers to questions I didn't need to ask because the solution lay in your eyes? Oh, cruel and wild human nature! Why do you haunt my every step and leave me no tranquility to caress, no serenity to enjoy? How can I continue with such unrest of emotion or feeling? I felt embarrassed by my thoughts, mortified by my questions, humiliated by every breath I had ever taken in your presence. I feared you, but I needed you. I wanted to stomp on you like a cigarette butt, but I glorified you. I despised you, but I couldn't go on without your love. That was the end of it. I had decided not to continue contemplating your reality. You were you, and you were worth it�The crumbs fell to the floor like snowflakes and I watched their melancholy descent. Everything had fallen to pieces and nothing more could be done than to sweep them away, off into the still air where they could never again glue themselves back together. And I guess it wasn't all so bad. You see, I had finished all the crackers.

november 6, 2003 // 10:58pm
my noseth art stufeth.

Yeh! Alright, lets get this shiznit rolling. So Brooklyn Tech was yet again a victim to the monstrous acts of hooliganism and rowdyism. Ok, so we had another fire and got dismissed at around twelve, maybe earlier. I have no energy or motivation to go into greater detail except to say that I was in technology and I smelled smoke but refused to leave my project. By the time I stopped the machine and took it out, everyone had already run out the room. Otherwise, it aided in providing for me one of the most wonderful days my feeble existence could have the power to embrace.
I found Alex standing on the OTB corner and we went to Manhattan to have lunch! Lunch, I tell you! We went to a restaurant and I felt all grown up and special because, well, it was the two of us.. together. So then it was off to my house where we listened to Zeppelin for some two-odd hours, followed by experimentation with ice, eating pizza, watching the third Matrix, searching for my mother, walking to Funtime, and tutoring little children in the fine arts. It didn't matter how much bullshit was imbedded into the Matrix, how cold it was outside, how stuffed my nose was.. What mattered was that every second I spent with him filled me up with a euphoria I could not comprehend in any other fashion. I've never felt this happy, inside, outside, about myself, about life, about everything in the whole world. Fuck the world, I have Alex, and he, well.. he completes me.

october 31, 2003 // 10:81pm
call the locksmith!

Happee Holleeeweeen! I have that feeling in my mouth, you know, the one you get when you eat too much hard candy, like Jolly Ranchers, and that weird feeling is all over your cheeks and stuff. BLEH!!!

God, what is this jealousy?! Its just unbearble, and yet it runs through my veins every single day. Now I KNOW that I'm not the only person in his life, and I KNOW that I can't expect him to be with me every single day, and I KNOW I can't expect complete, total, and utter devotion. If I did, I'd be a lunatic. *rolls like a tumbleweed around the house.. wee!* And yet, I can't stop myself when he's wants to be with someone else, I just get so jealous, I feel as if he rather be with that person than with me, eventhough I know, or suspect, that that aint true. However, I always remind myself that its not healthy!!! I'm just being retarded!!! I always feel like I'm holding him back, and I don't want that, I don't want him to feel obligated, to feel that its mandatory to be with me 24/7. God, but this jealousy overrides me, it doesn't matter who he's with or why, I just go crazy. And its just not right. As a matter of fact, it doesn't only happen around him but among my friends too. I guess I just have that need, that urge to be the center of someone's world as I view myself acting very often around people I admire. Thats human nature for you.. why must we be so complex?! I have resolved to just calm down and stop taking things so seriously and letting him frolick like a sheep amongst its playmates! So now I feel completely retarded. Furthermore, for the last few days I've been acting like such a bitch to him. I hate myself for that! I don't ever have that intent but all day today I'm surrounded by this bitch mist and I don't know what comes over me. I'm just really sorry right now for alot of the things I've said and done that I regret now. I'm sorry, Alex.

I kinda sat home today while everyone else did something exciting. Hey, but its cool. I made an attempt at playing the guitar and watched "The Princess Bride." You know what I hate in movies? When a woman's long lost love returns disguised as someone else (Count of Monte Cristo, perfect example) and refuses to show the woman who he is for the better part of the movie. God damn it! She's dying inside and youre prancing around playing mind games in a stupid mask! Pfft..

..And I'll never really know how much I miss you..

october 30, 2003 // 9:32pm
poetry is sex with words

I dont know who *they* are, but they sure know a whole lot. Everyone always refer to them and basis their facts on what they say. You know what bothers me? When someone wants to complain about something and they keep giving you hints so that you can ask them. And then when you do, they say "oh nevermind, its not important." God, shut the fuck up!

But to a topic of more troubling matters to me, I have to present this question. How far do you go for love? Alright, you tell your partner "I love you" every single time you talk, you write it all over the place, you think about it. But to what extent to these words guide you in your search for becoming the best girl/boyfriend your partner has ever had? I know that saying "I love you" has got to mean something more than just saying "I love you." It means making love, not physically, although that should be fun too, but making love work. "I love you and I'm going to do everything in my power to make it work because you make me feel like I'm on top of the world. Someone else loves me, someone else thinks of me, someone else worries about my happiness." I go far for friendship, and likewise in relationships. No, I'm not going to become a hitman, but my love will take me far. Alright, for example, I don't exactly like holding hands but my boyfriend loves to. Well you know what? I'll do it for him, I'll make him happy because I love him and I want the best for him. I get this natural high, I feel so good when I know I made a difference in someone's life, that because of my simple affection, because of my love-driven deed, they're happy and thinking about how great life is. I just think that when you're in love, and only if you're truly in love, you have to be willing to make acceptions, to make compromises. You can't be selfish because you will never learn to share your love.You have to make yourself suffer just a little to make someone else happy, because THAT says something. That says "I'm doing this for you because I love you, because I want to share my love, because I want to give up my selfishness in exchange for your happiness."

Maybe that was too much to say, but its an insight, people. I guess the other thing thats bothering me is when people calmly decide to break plans with you. A few weeks ago I get invited to go out with a friend and the friend's friend. A few days ago the same friend says they want to hang out on Friday. A few hours ago, they tell me they can't hang out because of previously made plans (see two sentences ago). You might not get it, but those who know, know..

Fuck you guys, I'm going home.

october 27, 2003 // 10:39pm
swim through me..

AH! I haven't written in AGES. I suppose there is much to tell. Big event, I got trampeled. There's this, now ongoing, fighting going on between black crews and chinese crews or only chinese crews and someone got stabbed or just got beat up and there were police or just a bunch of people and.. GAH! The point is, the only truth remaining through all these rumors is that I got trampled. So me and Emily are walking down the stairs in the train station and all of a sudden I get pushed onto the platform, people consistently falling down on me. These two asians were beating each other up on the top of the stairs and as they made their way down to fight, they began beating each other up on top of me. I ended up getting stepped on, the whole right side of my face was smashed into the cement, my glasses got scratched and the right side of my face swelled up and hurt like a bitch for almost a week. I remember looking up and seeing blood with which my WHITE pants were then splattered. Must've been some picture when I came home to see my parents. But I'm so happy Emily was there because she at least helped me, she pulled me up and didn't laugh at me when I cried, because you better believe it hurt. ALEX wasn't there, but then again he was busy battling bears.
Friday was so lovely. Thats the only way I can really explain it. After sitting in a Sbarro with Alex for what, about 2 hours?, we came outside and Times Square was glowing! It was so bright and pretty and everything just shone! Just being with him and in that unbelievable atmosphere, you know, it kinda just grabbed me by the balls in a very sentimental fashion. Saturday, well, swallowing Listerine is one of the last things you'll ever want to do. On Sunday I got "Blood Sugar Sex Magik," the FULL version. We sat in this little park place and watched a little Mexican pee near the bench and then drop his hat in the puddle. But, dammit, when we got home...the little Mexican flitted out of our brains and was replaced by good old fashioned passion. It usually turns out that way, Mexicans.. couches.. collarbones.. right?
I'll end it off with my report card grades because that was the highlight of today.

Math - 90
Chem - 85
Health - 90
Strings - 93
French - 94
Global - 94
Technology - 80
English - 93

I'm not going to begin to comaplin so just forget getting an explanation. I'll do better next marking period, I promise. On a final note.. C sharp.

october 17, 2003 // 11:10pm
you're breaking the girl.

The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.

The sun slowly rose above the horizon of the vast wheat fields opening up before his tired eyes. The golden brown tops of the wheat swayed from side to side under the conduction of the wind like thousands of violin bows. Loose seeds flew into the air, searching for a piece of free ground to settle on. Any passerby would�ve welcomed the wind if it didn�t carry the humid heat of an August summer. Somehow the mellifluous songs of the quails traveled just far enough to pierce his eardrums with a death defying force. The clouds began to slink across the sky like inch worms, getting ever thinner and longer, changing colors against the hues of the clean summer sky. They continued east with the wind that unceasingly dragged spores and dust behind it resembling a comet�s tail that stretched and looped relentlessly with intense enthusiasm and thrill.

He continued his walk through the stalks. Perhaps it was too early in the morning to be experiencing such a strong wind, but out here, in the great wilderness, under the gleaming stars and the beating heat, it was unusual to witness any regularity. Winds changed as continuously as drops of rain and lacked continuity, whereas rain clouds would arrive without any consideration toward the farmers. He held down his ragged brown hat with his right hand and inspected the distance with one eye closed to the sun. For miles to each side he was surrounded by gleaming acres of a beautiful summer harvest that was slowly ripening beneath the rays. The pebbles under his feet rolled away to either side as he trudged along the rough, winding road, playing with each other like marbles on glass. He watched them popping out from under his shoes, trying to see some sort of pattern, some bizarre life process that all pebbles undergo as they continue to age, as they become grinded down into specks of sand that join the wind in its migration.

As his eyes wandered around, admiring the dance of the pebbles, an old land turtle caught his attention, its round, bumpy legs folding under its shell with some difficulty. The head stretched out on an extensive, coarse neck, big, round eyes darting from side to side as if searching for a sign to continue its movement. Back in went the neck and the legs began folding themselves further, this time with a greater perseverance. It pulled itself onto the road with a sudden urgency to cross the sea of pebbles, to return to the shade of the wheat on the opposite side. It was about that time of year when the dispersal of seeds was the center most important necessity and the turtle happened to be the carrier of quite a few. Its brown shell was sprinkled with beige and brown seeds eager to find themselves a home away from home. He watched the turtle make its slow relocation with a great ambition, its neck leaving the sanctuary of the shell only to return with an increased belief of success. As it reached the wheat once more, the turtle stumbled on a rather large pebble, its little tail, head and legs, darting quickly into the shell, tumbling over into the field, scattering and delivering the seeds to a new breeding ground.

He stopped to look at the sun that now stood at a glorious angle in the sky whose clouds had quickly shifted into thin, dotted lines against the immense blue. The wind settled somewhat and the humidity rushed over his body like a tidal wave. He stripped himself of his jacket and continued walking down the endless pebble path. An old, wooden house with holes in the roof in the distance called out to him with some kind of beautiful urgency. Most of the windows hung off one nail, swinging solitarily with the wind. The porch was caved in at the middle and the wheat had grown all over it. A little girl in a plaid dress ran around the well, her head disappearing inside it, emerging with a broad smile toward him, her fairly low cheekbones rouging as if someone inside the well just blew her a kiss. She ran back into the house, and vanished, without a trace of her giggle or the footprint of her bare toes in the dust. And it was then he realized he was alone again, walking in no particular direction on that endless pebble path.

october 12, 2003 // 8:45pm
suck my kiss.

So the days of autumn are advancing. I saw Intolerable Cruelty, a movie in and of itself lacking any serious underlying morals. It starts out pretty interesting but ends blanly. You know? Just blan. But my god, George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones are so hot to look at. I think thats the whole point of the movie, to look at these beautiful people. Clooney just gets better with age, like some wonderful red wine, only not as easy to drink. And Jones is just gorgeous, such a perfect figure and gentle face. I also got to see Kill Bill which was just amazingly directed, as any Quentin Tarantino movie should be. Theres no serious plot, a pregnant Uma Therman, once an elite member of an assassination squad, is backstabbed by her own members and boss, Bill, waking up from a coma four years later to seek revenge. And damn does she find it. Therman basically goes on a killing spree so the whole movie is a friggin blood bath. You should see this movie just for the art of it, the awesome fight scenes and martial arts, and the amazing direction of Tarantino.

Well, I'm short of ideas for doodles so I haven't been making any for a while now. If you have any ideas, please fill me in.

I'm getting pretty accustomed to people calling me Margarita. I used to hate it and made everyone call me Margaret, mostly teachers and friends. But now I don't mind it one bit and I think its pretty good because, well, my name defines me so why should I let people think of me otherwise? It makes me feel important, wholesome, to be called by my full name because I don't know many people who share it. Juliet said "A rose by any other name smells just as sweet" but would she really fall for Romeo if his name were Chauncy?

Mom's birthday coming up and I am a complete blank. I really hope something comes to my head soon because I just don't know what to do. Gah! I've spent so much time awake at night trying to figure something out but time is running out and I've never before been so nervous.

I think the main reason I blogged today because I've come to the realization about some thing I hate with a passion. I absolutely dispise pity-seekers. I hate when some stupid teenage girl who has almost everything she wants in her life, or even those with problems, to complain to the whole world about it, writing how they want to kill themselves and no one loves them and blah blah blah blah blah. I mean, everyone needs to be pitied, I love pity, I get a high from pity, but there are limits. I hate those people who think being suicidal is cool and that if you tell everyone about your depressing emotions, people will feel bad for you and let you cry on their shoulders. No. Snap the fuck out of it. No one wants to give you their pity because your complaints are fake. And in no way does it only pertain to girls, who of both sexes show that they need pity the most, because guys do it too. As I talked about with Emily today, leaving away messages saying "I fucked everything up, I'm off to do something most of you know what, if I don't come back blah blah blah" is totally retarded. Who's pity are you searching for? Do you seriously need people to IM you and tell you, "Awww, poor you, don't worry, everything is gonna be alright, we all love you"? If thats what you're searching for you have serious issues to sort out with yourself, you fucking dipshit. And what's worse? Showing off your battle scars. Fine, you hate yourself, you hate life, you refuse to seek help, you cut yourself, don't show it off to people. Its not cool. Don't tell people or show people where you cut yourself because the first thing coming to their heads is "God damn it, am I gonna need to council and comfort this bitch?" I can understand if something goes wrong in your life or your friends life, well the first rational thing is to talk about it. God I hate it when I read someone's blog or profile and they tell the whole world how lonely they are and that no one would care if they died. Well you should know perfetly well that there are many people who care and I'm not IMing you to tell you that I'd miss the hell out of you because I know thats what you want to hear. I can't believe how utterably fake people can be.

Learn Russian with Margaret!

Today's phrase is:
Ya tebya ne budu zhalet, blayt! = I'm not going to pity you, damn it!

october 03, 2003 // 10:00pm
rock and roll aint noise pollution

I just got back from watching The School of Rock and it really made me appreciate the classics that brought us to where we are today regarding rock. I mean, music these days is so fabricated, it molds itself around to get the best ratings and to be the most popular thing out there, but in reality, rock is just true expression of your soul, things you just wanna stand up and say "FUCK OFF!" to. I guess we're losing that meaning and the music no longer expresses that kind of beautiful urgency for realease of expression. How I wish that I was born in the time of Hendrix, Zeppelin, Floyd, Deep Purple, AC/DC and so many of the other gods of rock. Stupid time!

In other events, the first month of school is over. We officially made it through September and now the real work begins. Ottey was absent today and every class was either insignificant or had a quiz so I ended my Friday really well, very happilly. Finally, a three-day weekend has come to my salvation. Today on the train, I noticed an teacher from school get on the N train. I think he teaches English, but when he's not teaching, he is a Bible enthusiast. So he gets on the train and starts preaching about the commandments, focusing on "Thou shalt not lie" and "Though shalt obey thy father and mother" to 59th street. Usually, I would look away and pay no attention, but this time I started listening intently. He asked certain questions that triggered an extreme sense of guilt within me. When I started answering these questions to myself, such as being disloyal to you parents, speaking evil against them, etc, I felt as if someone misplaced my heart with a boulder. I felt horrible. "Have you lied today? Have you lied yesterday? Have you lied this week?" Eveytime I would answer "yes," the boulder kept getting bigger and bigger. I had so much guilt and so much pain and discomfort from it that I was ready to burst into tears. I felt like I was the worst person in the world and I do not deserve to go to Paradise..

So I read this article in the New York Times the other day for global and it just really got my attention. Apparently, the US military is finding hundreds of thousands of unguarded, unprotected stacks of weapons all over Iraq. So the military is paying $287 million dollars to four companies to destroy 100 tons of weapons per day, a rate that will take 18 years to destroy all of Iraq's arsenal. That's a shitload of time. This is just rediculous! Ten years ago we sent money and militia to help Saddam fight against Iran when he promised to become a democratic leader, and now, we're going into Iraq to kill him and destroying all the weapons we gave him! Our money is ultimately going to waste! Every year we give money to the military for weapons and protection, where is all this money going? On weapons we create only to detonate a few years later? Rediculous! Besides, how can any American, any person, for that matter, have any feeling of safety if piles of unguarded weapons are lying free for everyone in Iraq? Not to mention that many weapons have already been removed and who knows where they were stored and for what purposes? Why are we throwing away all this money? Why are we being so stupid?

Have any good [classic]rock songs you want to recommend me to download? Leave a list in the the comments. And now, may the bird of paradise fly up your nose!

Learn Russian with Margaret!

Today's phrase is:
Ya hochoo spat! = I want to sleep!

september 29, 2003 // 9:32pm
my jew senses are tingling!

Oh my, this weekend was quite eventful. Friday started with family New Years dinner with food, lots of food. And Saturday, more food! But on Saturday there was a whole reunion of the upstate crew to celebrate my sister's birthday and it definitely took me back to Dingle Daisy in a sense. I relaxed and I had fun even when I had to watch those silly boys smack a ball against a wall. So after the big barbeque thing the big kids went to celebrate Paul's birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAUL!!<3, in a pool hall that we had all to ourselves. The first game I lost against Morris who turned out to be amazingly good at pool. But then I figured out the most comfortable way for me to hold the stick and shoot so everything got better. Hmm.. Sunday meant more food, or rather eating the leftovers which I cannot look at anymore, I'm going to die. I feel bloated after this weekend, stupid Jews!

Well, speaking of Jews, since this is a Jew-oriented entry, Dima got attacked by a skinhead today. Read more about it on his Xanga, but in short, this 35-year-old guy, covered in tattoos with a bitch-ass buzz cut, calls Dima over and says "Yo, I heard you talking abou skinheads on Friday, what were you saying? Huh? Huh?" Man, we all got so scared, well at least I did, being a Red Sea pedestrian and all. Wow, definitely one of the most scarriest moments in my life because I sensed actual danger of the human mind. Yikes.

Finally, as I was doing my chemistry homework today, instead of writing "Kilo Joules" I wrote "Killer Jews." So my sentence came out "For the bonds to occur, youneed +213 Killer Jews!" Lol, and now my tummy hurts..

If you don't understand one of my doodles, view full image and then ask me. Otherwise, just use your imagination and if nothing comes to mind just think "I think she wanted to draw soemthing cute because I don't get it."

Do you know what I have ALWAYS wanted? For someone to refer to me specifically in their profiles. For someone to write something about our relationship as friends or about some inside joke we have. I guess its because I wanna feel important in someone elses life to the extent that they want to share it in their profiles. Now, its not an outcry or a pity call, I'm just saying, so don't all you go rushing to do this just to make me happy. Do it if you mean it.

Learn Russian with Margaret!

Today's phrase is:
Skolko mozhno tebe govorit? Ya goluboy! = How many times do I have to tell you? I'm gay!

september 26, 2003 // 5:53pm
this is a story of a girl

HAPPY 7th BIRTHDAY MICHELLE! You're growing bigger and I'm getting older and you're always mean to me, but I love you =]. Also, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL YE JEWS! Moving a year closer to salvation.

This week went by kinda fast, everything rushing right by. I don't have time to stop and think these days just about me. But I have learned a new way to relax, doodles! Would you like to look at my doodles? Then click here!

This week Julie stopped by after school. It was strange talking to her like we did and yet it was quite nostalgic. Its difficult to explain why friendships tend to take their own course but its always wonderful to keep old friends and I'm glad I haven't become completely distant with many of my friends.

I hate Ottey, I hate Ferdinand, I can't stand this proud-ass freshman that sits next to me in my strings class who thinks he's better than everyone in the room, dispite the fact, of course, that he is. Alex is a strange child and I have a feeling that no matter how much love and respect for him I will have, I will never understand him and that makes him special. Dima needs love. Ilya needs to sort out his priorities. Julie needs to laugh and smile. Emily needs freedom and space. Serge should follow his dream. And me? I need to get some sleep.

Oh, please don't choke because then I have to fill out a lot of paper work - Mr. Simonoff

september 19, 2003 // 4:18pm
war and peace II

Oh. My. God. I cannot remember a thing about the last time I blogged. I have been piled up with such an unimaginable amount of work that I don't know how I still have the energy to type anymore. I have just SO much to catch up on so I apologize for any eye problems you might experience after the conclusion of this entry. First of all, HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY, ANNA!<33 Last Thursday, I finally got my new phone, a really nice color Nokia with radio!
But lets really start with last Friday when during second period when I got my program change that finally placed me into Honors Chem. Unfortunately, this placement landed me into Ottey's class. For those of you who never heard of her, I envy you. Ottey is the devil and she teaches the devil's subject. She expects an extended Lab report every week, a science article with 1.5 pages worth of summary and analysis, daily journal entries, memorization of the periodic table, and weekly, super-long homework assignments, as well as additional daily homework assignments. She's CRAZY! I feel so intimidated by her, as if at any moment she's going to tell me that I can't go home until I recite all the elements to her from memory. I don't feel like that outside the classroom, though, its just that she is a truly unbearable teacher and I don't know how I'm going to spend a whole term with her.
So the weekend then brought upon me a whole lot of work. I did more homework on the weekend than I did all week to the extent that I felt like I went to school both Saturday and Sunday. The only thing that snapped me out was going to Anna's house of Saturday to celebrate her birthday which made me significantly more relaxed. But the something that was really bothering me was that even when I was having fun there, I kept thinking "I could be using this time to do chemistry! I could start my global essay!" That disturbed me! So I attempted to push those thoughts out of my mind until I returned home. I worked late into the night, cranky as hell, overwhelmed with homework and schoolwork and typing and thinking and everything! So then back to work. Wonderful sleep. Back to work all of Sunday. Sunday evening, Emily brought up a wonderful point: "Yes! Tomorrow is Monday! Back to school! Less work than on the weekend!" And I completely agreed with that. And by now, I am SICK of Times New Roman, size 12, 1.5 spacing font!!!
On Monday I looked like a stop sign because I was wearing all red but I guess it felt kinda cool. Also, congrats to Emily+Jin who celebrated their one-month on Monday =] I went to the optometrist on Tuesday and he said one of my irises isn't a perfect circle, so if you look close enough it looks squished. Every day I would come home to a wonderful supply of homework. Anyway, around Tuesday I realized I like this guy Ishmael in my strings class who I've known since our introduction to each other last year. He seems really nice and always attempts to talk to me, which is a great gesture considering he's a junior and that one of his seemingly good friends sits next to him and always talks to him. If it wasn't for her, we'd be talking more, but that�s ok, I not ready for another relationship right now.
This past week, I managed to get into so many arguments, like on Saturday I naturally got into an argument with Alex because I was being neurotic and anal at the same time. He was happy, I was pissed, he picked the wrong time to talk to me and I think he was obviously exposed to my very bad, naughty side. I also got into another argument with him regarding the idea that a friend's job, other than being a good companion, is to be your personal and moral cheerleader, and vise versa. One argument with Dima brought up a point that really disturbed me. Contrary to his belief, I do not consider abstinence a basis for breaking up with someone. And sometimes, you need to know that some things you have no business sticking your nose in and it can VERY WELL be none of your business. Furthermore, you have no right to have a serious opinion about a relationship that does not involve you. So take notes and don't make that mistake. I don't know why I've been arguing so much lately, maybe its because I'm so stressed and expect people to give me some support, and I'm sorry if I'm acting weirdly. Its too much to do, going from a lazy yet relaxing summer to an overwhelming school year. I always knew that college would involve a lot of work and I thought that I would gradually get used to it as the work increased in high school but this jump for me was way too much. And then there was that fight with Jamie on Sunday when I was proved once again that I have to learn to keep my mouth shut and trust no man. Not to mention, this wasn't the first time something like this happened to me and I sincerely want to apologize to Alex for my mistakes. On Wednesday I got into another argument with someone but I don't even remember with who or why. Wow, what is wrong with me? Why have I gotten so aggressive these past few weeks? I don't know what's going on, and someone even said he liked me better before I got all uptight and sad. I can't vouch for that, I can't exactly get all happy and excited out of nowhere if shit surrounding me does not permit it. I don't know why I've been acting like such a bitch this week. I get really touchy, and those people who tend to speak in a way that can upset you haven't helped. I learn to know when I'm wrong so I will tend to apologize or re-state someones observations of me when I know what I've said earlier was wrong. So, I'm sorry Dima if you think that I was being sarcastic. I'm sorry Alex for being a bitch to you because you never deserved it and now you mean more to me than ever. God, sometimes I really hate myself..
So yesterday I was freaking out because Ottey had planned a quiz for Friday and she didn't even explain what it would be. Some honors classes said they had a quiz, others said they didn�t. Anyway, I went crazy and tried memorizing the conversion formulas and god knows what else I could get my hands on. To add to that, a French test was also scheduled for Friday so you can imagine how hectic I got. My mom bought me some ice cream, Chocolate Ribbon and Peanut Butter Cup, which I think helped a lot but I was still pretty nervous. I fell asleep with my study notes under my head, scribbled on and creased all over the place. But today turned out so fucking awesome! As soon as I went to third period and began my test, the fire bell thingy rang. So we were told to evacuate, and genius Margaret, thinking it was just a test drill, left her book bag in the classroom. Anyway, we were standing outside for a while when the minutes turned to hours. Fire trucks, police trucks, rescue trucks, and stupid fucks came to Tech to fix whatever problem was taking place. They wouldn't let us back into school, so 4,400 students walked around the blocks, finding their friends and all. I found Allan on the west side so we walked around and secretively made our way around the block to where all the stores were. So we got there and I saw Margie and we bought food and ate across the street in the park where we met Stephen. Finally, around 1:20, they let us all go home, giving us a free ride on the train, saying that we should come at 8:40 to third period on Monday and that anyone who left their stuff in the rooms will get them back. I don't exactly know WHAT happened but there was smoke coming out of the seventh floor windows. Mike told me it started on the eighth floor when the elevator mechanism caught on fire or something, I don't even know what the hell he was talking about, but it was NOT a bomb threat though or a chemistry accident. Anyway, I got home around 2:00, FINALLY permitting me to blog considering I didn't get the chance to get any homework..eeeexcellent *twidles fingers*
I also found this awesome site for those people who love Photoshop, it has really cool pictures and videos and stuff. Check out Worth 1000. There is one section called "THe Fountain of Age" where they take famous people and make them look younger or older. They took Harrison Ford and they made him younger, he looks so fucking hot!!! My god, I'll post his pic up some other time when I'm finished oggling at him. For now, look at these:

Theme: Religious Symbols

Theme: Natural Selection -- unusual animal prints

Wow, I don't know the next time I'm going to be able to blog but I'm happy I got the past week out of my system. This week f l e w by and today was the best way I could ever imagine it ending. Woohoo!! L o v i n i s w h a t i g o t =]

Learn Russian with Margaret!

Today's phrase is:
Ya skoochayoo za toboy! = I miss you!

september 10, 2003 // 6:38pm
can you kill me now? good!

Short entry fit in between spastic moments of beating my head against the wall. Its only the third day of school and I have already been piled up with reports and essays due in the next few days. There is only so much I can take, people! kdsfgjalkglksda;f;askdjf!!! So how does everyone like the new layout? Eh? Eh? Yeh, me neither. Well, I guess there is work to be done but I'll leave you with this clever little morsel of sweets that I wholeheartedly agree with:

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. what do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?!? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!!! Amen

-George Carlin

Learn Russian with Margaret!

Today's words are:
Oobey! = Kill!
Menya! = Me!
Sechas! = Now!

september 8, 2003 // 8:45pm
getting down to it

Fuck. Its a word used in everyday language, taking for itself many uses, all with their own meaning. But do we really know where it came from? Do you know what you're really saying when you utter that word? Well, its time for a history lesson, children!

It all started out in England where a poem was written in Latin about the general population of Carmelite friars of Cambridge, England. One of the lines contained a code that deciphered into "They[the friars] are not in heaven because they fuck wives of Ely [a town near Cambridge]." It was probably as vulgar then as it is now because the word "fuck" was specifically coded. However, in the Middle Ages, the word fuck took on a different job. In certain countries, the citizens needed to get permission from the king to bare a child. The king would have the power to forbid the ugly people to screw, and for the better looking people to go ahead and get it on. How was this accomplished? The couples would walk around under the king's balcony with signs bearing the following: "Fortification Under Consent of the King?" or in short: FUCK?

There you have it. So now everytime you tell someone "fuck you!" you're really saying "forticiation under consent of the the king you!" Ha.

I'm making a new layout and already have two plausible ideas so if you want to become a tester, IM me at sheepm0lestr. I would really appreciate it.

Learn Russian with Margaret!

Today's words are:
Shto! = What!
Damn! = Blyat!
Pie! = Tort!

september 6, 2003 // 12:20pm
on the wagon again.

Ah, the school year is upon us! Gotta get back into the "early" schedule, wake up early, go to sleep early. I guess blogging at 12 in the morning isn't such a great start, but you know me! procrastinator all the way. So being shoved into three honors classes leaves me with the suspicion that I won't be in the same class as most of my friends. That sucks big time. Maybe they'll get smarter, or maybe I'll get stupider, I mean, chem is hard on its own, how am I going to survive honors chem? Scary shit, yo. I've realized that sleep is the cheapest, safest narcotic out there. You can make yourself fall asleep and you wake up feeling so fucking damn good because you've been all rested. And theres no need to go to a dealer as say, "Yo, sell me a dime bag of sleep! And, uh, you got any air back there?" Its so friggin wonderful to wake up lazily on your own accord and feel so refreshed. What a drug!

Anywho, yesterday I discussed with a friend and colleague of mine an important topic circulating teenage minds every ten seconds. Sex. This is getting redundant, isnt it? Well, you'll go for another sex-driven entry, I suppose. So there he is, telling me, "Guys are always ready and always want it...its hard finding a girl who is ready and wants it...and even if you wanna fuck, you need to find that right guy...you will find a guy, you wont have sex till college, or later, not high school!" Well, that leads me to contemplate my sanity. I've been pretty much ready and wanting it for a while now and I doubt I'm going to wait till college. Sure, prom night is an easy go, but I'm ready before prom night. I don't exactly have to find the RIGHT guy, I don't need to be in a three year relationship with him, but he can't be someone random off the street. Is it abnormal for me to be so sexually driven? Sometimes, I just can't stop thinking about sex, its always on my mind, and yet I'm not disturbed by it. Tell me I'm not alone in the world!

Then again this vision of OTB whores pops into my brains and how they all probably lost it at 13 or some shit, dating a 17 year old, and I don't want to be looked at like I look at them. I'm not a whore. I have a brain in my skull, I presume, and I'm pretty much ready to do it and be extra safe about it. But then I think, what if god-forbid I get pregnant? And then I have to tell my parents that I lost my virginity at 15 and now I'm pregnant because I was such a retard to screw so early! I would be mortified! And they would be so disappointed! And then, I can have an abortion and all.. But its scary! And say, that I don't get an abortion and the baby comes out retarded? Jeez, I'm scared to have an abnormal baby and there are so many things it can be abnormal with! Say it comes out with all its limbs and everything, a nice sound brain, but four years later I learn my baby is dislexic! Or can't read! Or deaf! GAH! I'm not sure if I'll be able to love my baby. I guess I eventually will learn to, but right now, thinking about having a child with down-syndrome freaks me out. There are so many diseases out there, so many problems that I don't want my baby to have, not because I don't want it to suffer, but because I'm being selfish, I want a normal baby. Whats WRONG with me, god!

My mother did sometihng wierd today. This very popular russian rock band, Auktzion, or Auction in English (although I don't know if the thats the proper translation), is coming to the US to perform. And since they're friends of our friends, she invited them to stay with us for six days. Its going to be cool but so wierd. But this isn't the first time so I'll do what I always do, stay in my room and say hello on occasion.

Introducing to you, Learn Russian with Margaret!

Today's words are:
Privet! = Hello!
Suka! = Bitch!
Koshka! = Cat!

september 2, 2003 // 7:37pm
restarting my life.

I'm finally back from upstate, enjoying my week here in the city. It all feels very strange, taking the subway, seeing people I'm not used to seeing, talking to friends after two months of separation. This summer has taught me so much. I've gone through a metamorphosis that I can't even explain to myself. I've learned life-altering lessons about friendship and how fickle it can be when times get vulnerable. I found new friends. I've forgotten how to love. It's like I'm rebooting myself. I want to start afresh and yet its too hard to let go of some past ties. This summer was as boring as any but this time, I feel stranger, as if I'm really gonna miss those lazy summer days. My god. Paintball. Vice City. Mike's movies. I Could've Lied. Singing with Nic. Learning songs from Paul. Sandi doing my makeup. Gela's and my Hollywood. Nikki -- ACT A FOOL! Diana and her stoges. My first big fight. Dyeing my hair black. Ben's abuse. Epic melodic power metal. Biking to Wal-Mart. Hopscotch. Morris, totally awesome Morris. Fireworks. The trailers. Drinking down the road. Burning the beaver damn. Blowing up lighters. Being pyromaniacs. Casting. Killing ducks. Being cold. Stealing Nic's sweatshirt. Swedish fish. Uncle Raymus. Taking out lights. Vandalizing. Wheelies. Prank calls. "I'm detective John Kimble!". Emulators. Nic picking my nose. I wanna cry. There was just so much and it was just so much fun. Leaving on that rainy Labor Day, I realized it was the sadest day of my year.

Today I spent with Emily and realized she's one of the greatest friends I have. We watched The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and ate out. I took pictures of myself with black hair, ones that I look relatively normal in because I look better on her camera. Today was fun on my part but I'm kind of tired now. I've been feeling somewhat depressed but maybe it will pass soon enough. I'm kind of anxious for school to start so that I can take my mind off some shit. I can't believe the summer is over so quickly eventhough it never seems like it in the beginning. I'm at a loss for words.