Well, I'm back from L.A. I've gotta say, I had an amazing week on the West Coast. I'm leaving for upstate tomorrow so this is a quick summary before I go. I spent 10 days with Alex, walking around, visiting places, having lots of fun. It was absolutely amazing. I am so overwhelmed with so much to tell and write. I guess I'll just start with the basics: The houses are no taller than two floors, there is hardly any public transportation -- you absolutely need a car -- and there are homeless people everywhere. If there's anything L.A. taught me, it's that you gotta have money. The only way to entertain yourself if you've visited all the museums or if you're just stupid is to shop, shop, and shop. Every nice, hip places is basically a little mall or a street filled with stores to the brim with people walking by. But it was amazing nonetheless.
Saturday (7/31) - I arrive in L.A. at 11 am and after a quick lunch, me and Alex go to Hollywood Boulevard and walk on the stars. We kiss on Judy Garland's star. We go to the Wax Museum, which we agreed was pretty crappy, the Guiness Museum, which was cool, and the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum, which was coolest of all. We come to the conclusion that Ripley was REALLY ugly. We sit in Starbucks and walk along the strip. We go to the Erotic Museum and walk around the store.
Sunday - I meet Alex's father. He drives us around Beverly Hills and we look at houses. We go down to Venice Beach and walk around. I get tempted by many little stands selling crap I don't need. We go to a barbeque where I meet his step-sister, Jessica, and step-mother. I meet his sister, Emily, as well. She's too shy to approach me. We walk down to the beach with Jessica and her friend. I get sand in my shoe. Alex takes pictures but finds out his film isn't wound. We have ice cream. Alex's father drives us to 3rd Street where we walk around and look at street-side performers. We spend the evening alone.
Monday - We take a tour of as much of L.A. as is possible in 8 hours. We go to Grove, a farmer's market kind of thing, visit Chinatown, Koreatown, and Little Japan, see Marylin Monroe's grave, etc.
Tuesday - At 8 we arrive at Universal Studios Hollywood and wait in line for it to open at 9. We go on a tram ride through the back lot where Universal films everything (Jaws, Psycho, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, etc.) Alex drags me on The Mummy ride because I'm absolutely petrified. It turns out to be really fast, really short, and not scary at all. He's proud of me. We visit almost everything, including the 3D shows and the live shows and the water rides. Alex plays the carnival game with the water gun and wins. We spend the rest of the day walking around City Walk, a street/city-like place just outside Universal. We eat on the balcony as they show Back to the Future on a big screen for everyone. He gets an autograph from Claudia Wells, an actress from the movie. We get home late.
Wednesday - We sleep in. We walk to Beverly Center, a mall, not too far away from his grandparents' house. We walk around and sit in Brookstone on the massage chairs for quite a while. We observe all the merchandise. ALL the merchandise. We go to a Japanese buffet and then we watch What the Bleep Do We Know?, a documentary/movie/interview revolving around quantum theories, human inter-personal relationships, and our bodies. I like it but find the need to see it again to have everything sink in. I buy chocolate for his grandparents as a gift. We walk back home.
Thursday - We visit the Paul Getty Museum located on top of a big hill. The museum is huge. We see some exhibits and sit in the gardens and eat fruit. We go home for lunch. Alex takes me walking along Melrose Ave. where we see Jay Leno on the corner. We get ice cream and walk.
Friday - In the morning we visit the Weissman (sp?) House, the home of a rich, Jewish art collector. We have a private tour of most of the house that holds hundreds of works of art including Picasso, Monet, Manet, Klee, Klimt, Pollock, and Warhol. I'm amazed by it completely. In the evening we find ourselves on City Walk again. We watch The Village and it turns out not to be scary at all. We walk around and I get hot milk from Starbucks. It is nasty.
Saturday - We go to Venice Beach with Yana and Olga, cousins to each other and very close family friends to Alex. Yana gets a ticket for not having a front lincense plate. We park 30 minutes away from the beach. Me and Alex go swimming twice and its a lot of fun. In the evening, we sit around a drum cirlce and have really nasty cheap beer. The drum circle is really great, a lot of people attend, and all the drums sound great together. It gets broken up at 9. We walk back to the car, fearing for our lives, but make it safely. We then attempt to find an In-N-Out Burger. Alex leads the way and we eat. We come home at 11:30. I have and AMAZING..sleep.
Sunday - We visit LACMA and the garden behind it with Rodin's sculptures. We play around in the Nano exhibit for kids. I teach him pick-up-sticks. We got home for lunch. In the evening we visit the little village around UCLA called Westwood. We walk around and then have coffee. I have hot milk again, only this time it tastes like vanilla. Like hot vanilla ice cream. We spend the night lying next to each other.
Monday - Departure and goodbyes.
My vacation was absolutely marvelous. I am so thankful I got to spend a week in California with Alex. It was always sunny in the day and cool in the night. It was always perfect. I had the most amazing time of my life. I want to thank my parents from the bottom of my heart. I want to thank Alex's grandparents for having me stay there, they're absolutely wonderful people and I love them both. And I want to say, I love you, Alex, from the bottom of my heart, with all that I am made of. I am completely yours and I will never cease to be. You are my one and only true love and for that I adore you. Thank you for making this week the most kick-ass week it could be. I love you.

Going to California! (double meaning - try to guess) I'm going to be on a plane tomorrow to see my Alex and spend 10 days in Los Angeles! I am so amazingly excited! Oh, wow. I packed everything today and now I have butterflies. I can't wait! Yesterday was my last day of Con. Law class at Columbia, I'll put up pictures of it when I come back. I think it was a great experience and I'm really thankful for it. Well then, I gotta get up at 5:30 tomorrow, see you in a week. Sending all my love!

Alrighty then! Friday I went to Morris's house and watched TV with him and swapped music with him and such before we left upstate. Mari came upstate who I haven't seen in two years. Didn't do anything exciting this weekend. Stayed up and partied and drank with everyone on Saturday and sat around and ate for a long time on Sunday. Came home yesterday. Yesterday was Alex's 16th birthday. I sent him a letter and had everyone wish him a happy birthday and such when I called. He sounded totally bumed out and tired but I have no idea what was up. What is there to say? He's wonderful and handsome and sweet and caring and I wish for him to stay that way. I wish for him to mature and to remain a child, to balance the two and learn to love both. I wish health and happiness and laughter, although thats something I need to learn to do. He knows what I want for him, its all in the letter and its allin his heart. I love you and I miss you baby and happy birthday yet again! By the way, his site is up with his photography. Please visit Alex, check out his photos, and leave a comment in the guestbook for him. Mike's site is also up here and Morris's will soon be finished. I'm glad I'm getting all this shit together. I played Warioland4 today all day and now my thumbs are really numb and pained. Such is life. Last week of law class, yay! It was really fun though and I learned a lot, I'm really happy I decided to go, or rather, that my parents paid for me to go. This Saturday I'm going to L.A. to see Alex and his whole family on the West Coast! I'm so amazingly excited and I simply can't wait to see him. Father's birthday approaching, what to do? I'll think of something.

Yikes, I didn't realize seven days went by so quickly. Lets begin then. Last Friday was super fun because it was the last day me and Alex spent alone together. I came over his house and we pretty much went through our itinerary except for those things that his cold sore prohibited. Nonetheless, I had a really great time and my hair smelled nice too. I'm reminded of that scene in Big Fish when the wife crawls into the bathtub where her husband is lying, and she gets in there with her clothes and lies down on him. That evening me and Alex gathered our stuff and went to Morris's house in Manhattan. Around 8 we all drove off upstate. That night was nice, we talked and hung out and what not. The next day was nice too. It was sunny and we had a barbeque. Alex had slept on the floor next to my bed and I crawled to him in the morning and kissed him on the cheek after which he violently woke up. We didn't really do anything exciting except for the fact that we went to Subway. After Subway, EVERYONE had a stomach ache. We watched 28 Days Later and Poolhall Junkies, the latter of which was the better one. That night people smoked up and others drank. I had my first shot of tequila which wasn't too bad, but it wasn't very good either. I felt happy then tired, really, really tired and I just leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and left my mouth open. What a sight. Alex made the flash go off into Morris's and Ben's face and they looked retarded. Nic took experimental pictures. Those, too, were retarded. Sunday was horrible because it rained all day, and it rained hard too. Its a good thing we hungup a canopy thing over two tables in the center of the yard because we had nowhere to sit. That Sunday, everyone left and by the end of the day only me, Morris, Alex, and Sandi remained together. Ben, Valerie, and Valerie's friend Rima are the only big kids left upstate. HAH! This weekend should be better though because everyone is coming up again. Mike is finally coming after a two week absence and Mari is coming after a two year absence. I spent the last few days shopping. I bought myself two pairs of pants, two shirts, one skirt, and I'm planning to finished things off with at least one more shirt, maybe two. Alex left to L.A. Tuesday morning so now no one calls me and there's no more excitement when 10 rolls around. It sucks, but he's having fun and enjoying spending time with his family on the West Coast. I finally finished his website so check it out here. I'm finishing up Morris's site too. You can see all my hostees by clicking the hostee link there ---> I went to a real court today and saw a real trial. It was really exciting because there were objections and questions and jurors and many lawyers. The best part of my day was when I found myself a pair of Levi's for 40 bucks. I realized that I don't hate Alex's hair. I don't mind that its long, but he shold DO something with it instead of it just sitting there like an afro, and afro with no sense of direction. I see a bunch of guys in my law class with thick, long hair but they gel it this way or that and it looks utterly sexy. Unfortunately, Alex is too lazy to put gel into his hair so I'm just going to have to wait until he realizes that he looks better with short hair. Later.

So I've started my second week at Columbia. The weekend upstate was pretty shitty but I drank my first shot of vodka. I see no point in drinking, and yet, deep down inside, I want to do it. Not good. Might be following in genetic footsteps. Me and Morris went over absolutely every part of Anchorman and other than that, this weekend wasn't too eventful. On Monday we began our discussion of free of speech and whatnot. I also had my first tutoring lesson for a girl with Cerebral Palsy, a disease that is closely linked with retardation. Its not that severe with her, she perfectly normal except that she has a very bad understanding of math. She finished 6th grade but her level of understanding is at 3rd grade. I'll see her again tomorrow. Today we watched The People V.S. Larry Flint, starring Woody Harelson, Courtney Love, and Edward Norton, which is about the cases of Larry Flint, CEO of Hustler Magazine. It was cool but I lost my umbrella and that wasn't cool. I also met up with Morris for lunch. We sat in Starbucks for a long time and talked about nonsense. When I came home I watched Mystic River which was a good movie with a depressing ending. Sean Penn is obviously some kind of ganster hooligan and Tim Robbins plays a man who was molested for four days in a cellar when he was a child. Depressing shit. All day today, though, I couldn't get Alex out of my head. I thought about him on the train and in class and in the streets and in the halls. I genuinely miss him. I really want to hug him.

I finished my first week of Constitutional Law classes. Hurrah! My 2.5 hour lunch break leaves me with a lot of time to sit in Starbucks and read. Alex came to visit me for lunch yesterday and today so it was more exciting than earlier in the week. We discussed powers of the Congress and President and such the last few days and I'm getting comfortable with this whole law thing and surprised by the extense of powers. Anyway, me and Alex made music with our Starbucks cups and plan to make a commercial. We were sitting under this big tree on the campus and a bird pooped on our hands which was funny and disgusting at once. Yada yada. We came back to my house after I finished my afternoon session during which Alex walked around aimlessly and watched some kid almost beat a grown up at chess. After a regretful trip to Friday's after which I feel kinda sick and woozy, we went to see Anchorman which was pretty funny. I thought it would deceive my expectations but it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I'm off upstate tomorrow again. Hurrah! The only really good thing is that its not hot there and I can relax. I'm finally sleeping late tomorrow, I'm pretty tired. Oh, I'm also almost finished with The Count of Monte Cristo which is good. Its dragging out though toward the end and I kinda want it to stop faster, but its still a great book. Still waiting for Alex's long-awaited blog entry on the week he spent upstate with me. Thats all folks.

Wow. Ok, so for once everything went the way I hoped it would. Last Saturday (Jun. 26) I went to Manhattan and met up with Alex and two of his close family friends, Alex and Alex. Consequently I didn't have trouble remembering their names. One is 18 and the other is 20 although neither of them look over 17. We bought tickets to the Pink Floyd show and then went off to search for this Greek restaurant me and Alex once went to. We ended up walking completely the wrong way due to my directions but Alex fixed it all up and we ended up being where we wanted. I got to talk to both Alex's who Alex holds high in friendship and such and they were pretty cool. Anyway, we had a grand old meal and then walked back to B. B. King Bar and Grill with a stop in Starbucks where I got this Tazo Passion tea lemonade thing which was really great and sweet. I went to get it twice today and neither of them were sweet. That sucked. Anyway, at the show Morris came and we were all together. The band was supposed to go on at 8 but at 9:30 some bald guy came on and sang some crappy songs. Finally at 10:15 the band came on and I gotta tell you, that was one of the most amazing shows I have ever attended. They played Pink Floyd ideally and the singer sounded exactly like Waters. It was so great! They played more of the later stuff but it was all good. They were all high, particularly the basist. There was some weird lady standing in front of me [we were right in the center by the stage] and some other weird lady who set her hair on fire and they were high and drunk and whorish too. The intermission was long but we sat on the floor. EVERYONE sat on the floor because we were waiting for so long. The second half was amazing too but my feet were really hurting by then and I didn't know how long I could take it. Finally, it was over and we had to make it home. The two Alex's came from New Jersey but the last New Jersey-bound bus at the Port Authority leaves at 1 and we got out at 1:30. This was clearly a problem. So, calling back and forth, Alex's mother called for a car service which we were supposed to wait for. We got into the wrong cab and then the right cab didn't want to drive after us and wanted us to walk 3 avenues in the frigging cold. Finally, we convinced him to move his lazy ass and pick us up and we went to Alex's house. I got Alex's bed while he slept on the floor, which I felt bad about, but I was so tired that I fell asleep pretty fast. In the morning, Alex told the Alex's how to get back to the Port Authority and they went home while we breakfasted and got ready to go upstate.

We met Morris at the Port Authority and got on a bus to Monticello together. While we waited for the bus a pidgeon flew around and that was funny. In the bus they played S.W.A.T. and we sat in the back with the only three-seat bench. Alex sat next to the bathroom. The bus ride was peachy except for when they both attacked me and tickled me. Arriving at the colony was very exciting. Kinda. I was worried Alex wouldn't enjoy his stay but things went well. The first few nights were really fucking freezing. Really. We spent most of our days walking around, sitting around, eating, and talking. I commended myself for bringing my cards and mp3 player because we actually used both. Around the middle of the week Nic came up and joined our group of Morris, Alex, me, Valerie and Paul. The first few days me, Alex, and Morris went fishing on Morris's fishing rods and lures with my uneven oars. You can imagine it was really smooth rowing. The first days was useless. On the second day Morris caught 3 pickrels on the master lure that he lost on the third day. The third day is undescribable but I was all wet and the two of them didn't let me row normally because they kept shaking the boat and what not. I don't think either of us is going to forget the throwing of the oars, the paddling, the tangling, the screaming, the bitching, and the extreme desire of pooping that was experienced throughout the boat ride. On the weekend more people came, particularly Gela, Sandi, Michael, his friend Kon[stantine], Ben, Stacey, Sasha, and Ilya. Saturday was a big barbeque and so was Sunday. 4th of July was accompanied by many wonderful fireworks which were a lot of fun to watch. At the end of the weekend I really didn't want to leave because it was one of those rare weeks when I really did have a lot of fun. I got to watch Dodgeball, which was funny but not what I expected, and Spiderman 2, which in my opinion was a very large preview for Spiderman 3. Alex got to sleep in the kitched of my bungalo and I got to wake him up in the morning and sit with him a little at night. That was wonderful. Lucifer, my cat, was as stupid and whiny as ever and finished off the weekend by getting stuck on the roof. Hmmm. It really was a wonderful week, mostly perhaps because Alex was there and he entertained us all. I took a lot of pictures which I will post later this week.

Today was the first day of my Summer College Program. I took the wrong train and went the wrong way and ended up knee-deep in Harlem where I felt VERY uncomfortable in my skirt and Chucks. I had to make a big circle kind of thing and murdered my feet. Class was ok. I was pretty reserved during the morning session. Lunch is cool because you have 2 and 1/2 hours to walk around the surrounding neighborhood or whatever it is you want to do. I read and sat in Starbucks. Then I went looking for books. I need to get a fucking $60 book for my class. The afternoon session was better, I came up to and talked to about 4 people and got to know others so I felt more comfortable. We did discussions regarding people's rights and that was fun because I'm extremely opinionated. On the way home I decided to stop at the Mid Manhattan Library. Went into the building I THOUGHT was the Mid Manhattan Library. It wasn't. Started walking back to the train station, changed my mind, and decided to find the real Mid Manhattan Library. I got the books I wanted (Breakfast for Champions and God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater by Kurt Vonnegut} and I went home. I also fell asleep in the train. I watched Woody Allen's Radio Days which is a wonderful movie and I urge everyone to see it. I also watched X-Men: 2 and that was still crap. Well, thats it. Good night.

Last, last, last, LAST day of school today! Ah! I had to wake up at 7:30 to go to schoolf or half an hour. That was a bitch but I got all my grades.

English - 96
French - 95
Global - 97
Math - 95
Gym - 98
Chemistry - 93
Technology - 95
Music - 100
Chemistry Regents - 87 =[
History Regents - 98
French Regents - 100

So thats that. I'm kinda surprised and upset about the Chem Regents because I thought I did really well, but its alright, I finished well this term despite earlier fears. So after we got our report cards, me and Alex split to Sunshine Cinema to watch Coffee and Cigarettes. It was only 10 fucking in the morning and the first showing was at 11 so we sat around in the park. He took pictures of me and then he let me try out his camera which is really cool. I played on the play station things with the shaky bridges and the stairs and the slides. Then I ran to the sprinklers. They had real working sprinklers! I closed the hole with my finger and stuff and it was a lot of fun. Then my artsy photographer boyfriend took a picture of me running through the sprinklers. I got a little wet but it was good stuff. We were almost late for the movie but we made just in time. The theater was so packed at 11 in the morning that I was happy we found seats among the two men there. The movie was really funny. Its a bunch of skits of people drinking coffee in different diners and smoking cigarettes and each skit had its own plot and punch line. All the actors played themselves as did musicians like Jack and Meg White from the White Stripes, RZA and GZA from the Wu Tang Clan, Iggy Pop, and Tom Waits. Its the kind of funny that isn't that funny when you're watching it but is hilarious when you think back to it. During the first five skits you really felt uncomfortable just like the people did, especially the skit with Iggy Pop and Tom Waits to the point where you could cut the discomfort with a knife. Then things eased off and it got funnier and cooler and more relaxed. The last skit was the best. I was between two old men and it was very sweet. They both fell asleep in the end. I definitely recommend it to everyone. After the movie we were really hungry so we went to Subway then walked back to this deli, didn't buy anything, and walked to the N. Got off on Canal and I made us stand on the wrong platform for 15 minutes. Walked to the right platform but got on the last train car so we had to walk across the whole station to get out at my stop. At home we watched all 48 episodes of Cletus the Fetus and ate a pineapple. Then we lay around not doing much. At 7 my mother appeared and we got sandwiches to sneak into UA with. I refuse to eat sandwiches, particularly roast beef with lettuce, tomato, mayo, and provalone cheese, for the next two weeks. Me, my mother, and Alex went to see The Terminal with Tom Hanks who gets stuck in JFK airport while his country of Krakosia is being overthrown. Longest movie ever. Some parts were funny particularly because Tom Hanks had to speak in an accent with poor English. Leave it up to us New Yorkers to laugh at immigrants. I took forever to end, kinda like Lord of the Rings. I'm going to a Pink Floyd tribute concert and sleeping over Alex's house tomorrow. Yay!! Then we're taking the bus upstate where we shall stay for a week. It might be a little boring but we shall produce our own fun. And so, summer has started. Let the games begin.

/edit/
I went to the doctor so that I can get my working papers tomorrow and after the doctor I decided to stop by Alex's house to apologize. He got himself new sneakers which are white and sexy because they're New Balance and Alex is wearing them. I kissed him and his nose was cold in the warm afternoon but his heart was racing and so was mine and I felt happy and complete. He got completely sunburnt after falling asleep in the sun yesterday and I'm afraid to touch him because I don't want to hurt him. I like his hair now. Its like a mop and its thick and bushy and fun to run my hands through. That bastard has everyone comment on Xanga because everyone is a Xanga freak but they're all afraid of my comment box. Well poo on you! I write this for myself.
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I said "I don't want to talk to you right now" today and I'm not feeling too happy. I remember I blurted out something of the sort before and I spent the whole day thinking about it, worrying about it, crying and beating myself up about it because I felt I did something really wrong. I wonder if he's worrying about what I said now. If someone said "I don't want to talk to you right now" I'd want to know why and I'd think about it all day until I could ask and I'd worry about it, thinking about what I did wrong. Unfortunately for women, men won't behave that way. I know the second he gets into the shower or meets up with his friend, he'll forget about it. I guess I can't expect anything more. I can only accept what I know and I know that while I'm writing this, he doesn't really care about it. And thats cool. We had a little scare, if I dare to make that understatement, this past week. I felt completely crippled and alone, especially after hearing about his departure. One night of no sleep, tossing in my bed, and a wet, tearful phone call in the morning later and he was on his knees to give up anything and do anything to make things better. Everything nicely went away that evening, with a great relief, but so did this need and desire to sacrifice something for me. It seemed I had to be short of pregnant or infected with AIDS or cancer, god forbid, to get his attention the way I had it on Saturday. It was a scary experience, but a good experience none the less because I think we were binded in a new way. It kind of made me realize how close we really are, how much our relationship is stronger and more sincere than many of the couples I see. Its so much more than just physical. I think there is a deeply-rooted solid, truthful friendship at the base of your relationship and thats makes it so much stronger. On Friday, he said something along the lines of "You always expect so much of people." Although he dropped it after coming up with insufficient examples, it remained in my head as many things he says. I think I do. I do expect more because thats what I'm used to in my family. I'm used to talking to people older than me, if only by a few years, but with whom my maturity level can coincide. When you go to a school with so many retards, I do expect more. I do expect more of my sister because my parents slacked off with her, in a way. They focused a lot on my school work in the second grade, something that my sister isn't getting. I don't expect more from her when she's playing computer games, I just keep telling her that if she listens to what people are saying and reads everything, she can do everything without me. How does she think I played the game? I might have been 3-4 years older, but I warn her that it won't be an easy game for her at 7 years old. Sometimes it works when you expect more from people. Some people try to understand what they're under-doing and work on it. Some people take criticism in a positive way, and that is a great characteristic. I've learned with enough time and experience that some people can't take criticism the right way and that there is no point in me trying to expect more because it doesn't produce a positive effect. They don't take it as "Well, I see the point you're trying to make, I understand what you're trying to say. I understand that it is for my own personal growth and benefit to work on this and this," they take it negatively, more like "Oh, I'm never going to change. I can't do this and this" or just start calling me mean and don't make one move into a positive direction. I don't know how other people take it but when you're a close friend of someone's I think that criticism has as much power and importance as compliments, and given that the two people in the relationship can take criticism positively and know that its only for their own good that they are being criticized, then they can deffinitely and absolutely grow from one another. Thats the magic of human relations. I love him and I only want the best for him. I also found it strange when I asked him what he was talking to Customer Service for. He said "To find out the price of something." Something? I hate this secrecy, so I automatically know this has to do with something that I am not taking part in. After questioning further, because god forbid he actually tells me, he plans to go to Six Flags with his friend. And what? I think he expects me to blow up, build a brick wall around his house, shoot him if he leaves to do anything without me and force him to spend a grueling week upstate. My goodness. I know that before I used to feel unwanted and jealous and I would get upset easily, but finding that fault within myself, I gave it up and I'm trying my best to change that, if he hasn't noticed. I feel more betrayed by him not wanting to tell me, keeping it a secret in fear that I might get mad than if he told me he was taking all his closest friends to Hawaii and I'm not invited. I don't know. We're a couple, an exceptional couple at that, we've told each other everything, we trust each other completely, and yet, he's afraid to tell me that he plans to do something without me. I hate that. But if that is the way he feels and if thats the way he wants to act, he can feel free, only thats a part of trust gone.

I spent yesterday getting applications from almost every store on Broadway between Canal and Union Square. So now I need to find a job and filling the same shit out over and over again its tiresome. But it must me done. I expect to have a great two weeks. This Saturday I've been given permission to stay in NY to see the Pink Floyd tribute band which I was so upset I'd miss. I get to sleep over Alex's and in the morning, we're off on the bus to Dingle Daisy. AH!! Upstate. We'll spend a week there with Mike and Morris and finish it off with a bang on 4th of July weekend. My parents agreed on sending me to LA for a week in August but I seriously doubt Alex's family on that side of the country would let. They don't know me or anything and I guess they would feel awkward having me or housing me, so eventhough my parents let, I doubt I'll be leaving anywhere this summer. I start Constititional Law classes in Columbia University on the 6th so I'll be learning again. Gotta keep the noggin going. I don't know how this job thing will work out since I'm 16 and with no experience, but I'm a fast learner and that should work as something.

I love you Alex and don't forget that. We're the best and we're even better together because we fit together like pickles and chocolate. Yummy. There is no one else I rather be with and eventhough you think I hate you, I do, but only when you say I'm being sassy and when you do that stupid Arnold voice =] You are my one and only and I love you.

So I found out today that Alex didn't get the job he wanted and is now planning to go off to L.A. for the summer. I'm happy he's going to get to see his family over there since he's basically without them for most of the year. It hit me on the train that I won't be able to celebrate his birthday with him the way I had planned to for the past few weeks. I won't be able to see him after I finish class and he gets off work to hang out a little in the city. I just won't see him for two fucking months. And I know I'm not one to complain, family is above all the number one priority. But I couldn't help but feel my heart squeeze together and push every disappointment into my throat and feel the tears build up and fall. I wanted to wear my skirt and red sandals on his birthday and look pretty for him, to celebrate his 16th the way he celebrated mine. I remember last summer, falling asleep to thoughts of him, talking to him on the phone once a week on Saturdays, never receiving more than one, single email for the whole summer. It sucked, and its going to suck again. And it will suck again next year. Alas, Margaret, you can't do jack shit about it. Separation does things to people, good and bad. In "War and Peace" one of the main characters leaves his fiance for 6 months without him, telling her that since she is young, he would understand if she rather have someone else when he returns. And six months later, being young and easily susceptible to flattery, she falls in love with someone else. My Russian teacher kept warning the guys, "Don't leave your women alone for a long time. They will begin to miss compliments and tender kisses, don't find fault in them." I guess it makes sense to an extent. Oh God, I'll miss you.

We went to see Napoleon Dynamite today which was quite amusing. Now Alex won't stop copying the strange quirks and mannerisms of Napoleon, and trust me, it gets annoying. But it was funny, especially when he got hit in the face with a steak. We ate at a Brazilian restaurant where I ordered fish, on my own accord, for the first time. I also tried artichoke.. no.. brussel sprouts? no.. starts with an "A".. [7 second search on Google] ASPARAGUS! Thats the one. I was all sad and mushy on the train, I couldn't help it. It was this annoying feeling like I really needed to cry to get something off my chest but I couldn't do it. Anywho, I came home and did nothing, and then some more of that. I should get back to reading The Count of Monte Cristo. I thought I would be so cool but now thats in one the Junior Summer Reading List, it feels overrated to be reading it. Its good though. If there's one thing I love, its literary discussions. When someone reads the same book with you and you talk about it, thats the coolest thing. I'd like to do that with someone. Unfortunately, I don't know many people who like to read, particularly my current 1,078 page novel. What will become of me?

To go or not to go, that is the question.



Decisions decisions.

Yesterday was the last day of Russian school for me. Now I can sleep in on Saturdays. Two weeks until upstate.. ah!! Three weeks until I start Constitutional Law course in Columbia, the stuff of dreams. It'll be cool though, hope I'll meet someone new. I've definitely settled on Alex's birthday present, now all I gotta do is save up money. We went to Central Park yesterday, or rather, I dragged Alex out to Central Park yesterday. I'm glad we went though. Sometimes its nice to just walk around and talk. I wanted to go to the zoo but it was closed, I definitely want to go one of these days like on Regents Week. I haven't been to the zoo in years! Alex took pictures of me, none of which, in my opinion, came out good but he likes them anyhow. Eventually we got hungry and went to a Latin restaurant to which I finally agreed. He got a whole pot of paello, like one of those orange Russian pots. I had the best fried plantains I have ever put my hands on. Then there was this Dylan's Candy Bar and I felt like a little kid. Alex bought himself a lolipop with a cricket in it. Oh my god, its disgusting! Eww! He had his Jones' soda and I had my peanut butter ice cream and then we went home.

One of the cool things I picked up from Alex is that he saves all the tickets and playbills from all the shows and concerts and movies he's ever gone to. Thats so cool! So now I have this pile of stuff but I'll get to organizing it later. School is almost almost over. Two more final days and then regents. It all flies by.

Oof. Yesterday was pretty cool. Me and Alex went to a show at Peggy Oneill's on Coney Island to hear Due Tomorrow and the Nerve. It was great because we haven't gone to many shows where there are lots of children about so we got to socialize and strut our stuff. Things got really happy and exciting at the end when the Nerve came on, everyone got really energetic. There was this shitty band under the ditty of Eruptio, that's right, without an "n." They were whiny and angry people with guitars and they made me want to hurl. The Drive was a slut show too. The lead guitarist was moaning into the mic like some porn star, "Ya'll wanna get shitfaced tonight? Huh? Yeah! Oh yeah! I LOVE getting shitfaced! Yeah!!" Due Tomorrow was cool, I suppose, but I couldn't differentiate between songs and music because everything was mushy and the mic was off for three songs. I'd like to hear a cleaner recording. I had Italian Ices and then I had candy! Alex let me have sugar and I got kinda hyper toward the end of the show. I was great fun though because everyone agreed unanimously on who they disliked. Which was almost everyone.

Today was first day of finals. I had my English final and part III of my math final, both of which I did awesome on. Hurrah! I'll miss Mr. Fischweicher though and I'll be rid of Orna whose huge oval nostrils scare me. I went to see Stepford Wives after school with Alex and my mom. Freaky stuff, disturbing, particularly the last scene with Glenn Close. Yucky. Me and Alex played Sleeping Beauty in the car.

Good night and thank you for reading!

This week went by so fucking slow. Two weeks of school and I feel like all of eternity is stretching out infront of me. Actually, one week now! 6 days! Ahhh! Thursday is off, thank goodness. I got my main problem out of the way: Chemistry SATII. I got up at 6:30 today to come to a school in the asscrack of Brooklyn to be surrounded by 8394852751030487523 black people. I don't know how I did, I can care less. I managed many other things today as well, however. I went to the doctor, met up with Alex and went biking with him in the park. Alex recently learned how to ride a bike, hurrah! Some people never learn when they're little and give it up forever, but Alex didn't, and now look at him! We rode around the big baseball field thing in Seth Low Park and I got to give him tips and tricks and I tried to be helpful but he probably kept thinking I was showing off. Silly silly boy. We got home and ate food and lay around and next thing I know he's out the door. He left at 8, which means he should have been home at 8:45, lets say. I think I may have overheard some little insignificant thing slip out when he said that he'd call me when he got home, but I must be mistaked because its 2 hours later since he was supposed to get home and still no call. I suppose it doesn't worry him that I'm worried, I trust he's alright, but its the thought that counts. I ask him to promise me one thing, so simple and insignificant to him but so crucial to me. Stop forgetting, damn it.Nonetheless, I entertained myself whilst waiting for him to call. I watched Wet Hot American Summer which was pretty funny, I enjoyed it. Its about the last day of summer camp and I got all sad. Then I realized summer didn't even start yet. YESS!! Ok, I'm fucking tired. I don't see why I shouldn't be when we spent quite some time reading an interesting Indian book and then about an hour frolicking, perhaps doing something Alex didn't really want to do. I'm sorry if its so. Anywho, I don't remember the last time I went to sleep at 10:40 on a Saturday. If you read this before you go to bed, Alex, have a fun fishing trip. Love you. Good night.

I never thought of it like that. I always thought of you as a part of me, like my own eyes or my own hands. You don't go around thinking 'I love my eyes, I love my hands', do you? But think what it would be like to live without your eyes or your hands. To be mad, or to be blind. I cannot describe it. It is simply how I feel.

If you've ever walked around with a little void within yourself, well, then you're just like the next person, and there is no shame in that. That void is purposely there to be filled, filled completely and passionately by someone else. That is where this unexplainable phenominon of feelings comes in, feelings, relations, words, touches, the sinews binding a man and a woman. Isn't so beautifully strange how two completely different species of the same homo sapien can bind together so perfectly, fit each other's crevices with exactness and devotion. Love. Love, love, love, love, love. Four letters, four million lightyears away from our understanding, and yet we know when its present, we feel it pulling us into someone in the cleanest, purest sincerity. This long, winding road of life and confusion, it will inevitably lead to the one person that fills you. With first glance, you begin creating the binding webs that bring you closer and closer and closer until you, invariably, become one. And I wonder, Alex, how many people have what we have? How many girls feel as complete, as loved and respected and adored as I do by you? How many are so priveledged to have someone so understanding and sincere, someone they can talk to about anything (and as you know, that encompasses a certain many things)? We can be serious one moment and laugh and discuss it the next moment. Conversation is never difficult, and silences are always comfortable. And this feelings, wow! this feeling, this inner warmth and compassion, this need to make each other happy and complete a cycle of all things intertwined. And we've become intertwined. I love you, but these words feel empty when compared to the universe thats exploded inside my heart. I am yours for ever and ever and ever. I give myself to you because your love is a rarity. Alex - my one and only, my life, my soul, my all. I adore you.

Come Together

Ah! As you can see, new layout completely. I made little Java pop-up windows which I thought would be cool and you can choose the layout you want to view in! I had to make comments and guestbook a neutral black and white, but it still looks good. It might get annoying having to click on the window and whatnot. The information is going to be the same on both layouts so don't get nervous. I suppose you can still bookmark the main page for each layout. Whatever, you're the computer whiz, do what it is you want.

Now then, I've had many exciting nights to talk about. Alex's mother took me to Cirque de Soleil's Alegria! which was really cool. The acrobats were amazing and my heart was jumping all over the place because everything looked so dangerous. But I suppose if you start young, its like second nature. I had one of those "I wish my parents forced me to.." moments. I mean, I wish my parents pushed me to start piano earlier or something of the sort, then I would have some cool skill. When you're young, you don't understand whats good for you, its a shame my parents listened to me and took me out of swimming, ballet, ballroom dancing, swimming, tennis, and piano. I feel like a loser. I got to see Shrek 2 and Kill Bill 2, two sequels that are certainly not worse that the originals. Shrek was still pretty funny and I liked Kill Bill despite the fact that there was less blood and killing. But there was an eyeball, and that made up for things. Going to see Super Size Me on Friday, see what all the fuss is about according to Alex.

Yesterday was one of those really amazing days. We went to this park in New Jersey with my family and a bunch of other families. Me, Alex, Morris, and Sandi, who was constantly bringing us food and waiting on us which was really nice, hung out together until about 6. It was fun, what with a barbeque and a large park and we walked and talked and I enjoyed myself. Then my grandparents dropped me, Alex, and Morris off at 42nd where Morris left us for band practice and me and Alex went to B. B. King's. We saw the most amazing Beatles tribute band ever. They sounded exactly like the Beatles, the closest thing to the real thing. It was mindblowing how exact everything was. I was so happy because I knew all the songs and I sang along. My parents begun my Beatles education since I was really small, around 4 maybe, or earlier. They were my childhood and we had the whole collection. It was great. A lot of the older people there who experienced the Beatles when they were teenagers and whatnot didn't know the songs I knew and I felt quite superior. My voice got all scratchy and it hurt but Alex kissed it all away.

On the train we were both really tired. We were lying on each other at the end of the train car, minding our own business when some guy comes up to us with three bags of M&Ms and says "I'll give you these three bags of M&Ms to stop this public affection." And I told him he was rediculous. The other guy and girl he was with, 20s-30s, were calling him to get off the train. They apparently really didn't want those M&Ms but I was pretty pissed about what he did. I mean, it doesn't scare me off from continuing to hug my boyfriend and hold his hand in public (oh no!), I hope it didn't do the same to Alex. But it was just so stupid. Anyway, when we got home, we proved to ourselves just how accurately and timely we can get everything done. We had our cake and we ate it too, as Alex so cunningly put it.

I've been having the best times this past half year or so. Its just so genuinely fun! I feel like I'm really enjoying myself and it makes me so happy. He is the most enjoyable person to be around with and I have the most fun with him. Everything just gets to be wonderful. Sometimes I wonder how many people have the kind of love we have. We're one in a million, baby =]

Had to take a quick break from a bunch of bullshit homework to say Happy Birthday to Alexander Polonsky! WOO!! HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY!! What with our close times and our not so close times, you remain a positive influence and a cunt-cunt-cunt-continuous source of inspiration =]. No matter how involved we get in our personal lives, we take a moment to catch up on whats missing. Alex has been a supportive and helpful friend. He has so much potential and amazing personal strength. I respect him in ways I don't understand but he knows that we're cool. I wish you the best in life, all the health and happiness you can get. I wish you luck in all your endeavors and I hope you make this year, you're 16th year, one to remember. Over and out. Kshhh.

These are pictures of me and Morris getting married when I was 8 and he was 6. We wanted to watch a movie but his sister wouldn't turn it on for us until she and her friend married us. Shes in the purple dress, she was the rabbi. Good times. Embarassing, but good. Please click to view in full, its good stuff. You'll get to see me in my youth with my then-brown hair and my buck teeth.

After ten seconds alone, the only thing that ran through my mind was, "Am I not worth it?" I would go to the ends of the world. Tell me, am I not worth them?

Today was Alex's second concert and he played very well. I was quite proud of him and wanted to reward him but time's a bitch. I got to meet his grandparents who flew over from L.A. They're both such sweet people, so likeable, a few minutes and you feel like you've known them for ever. His whole family is like that, which makes things so wonderful because you get to feel so comfortable around them. Its wonderful. After the concert, during which I got quite restless toward the end, we went to Sheepshead Bay and had diner in a nice restaurant. Then me and Alex walked down Bedford to his house where I was then driven home from. It was so nice today. The weather was great, the people were great, everything was so so nice. I have the most wonderful time with him even when we're just walking or doing nothing in particular. Today I wanted to kiss him passionately and endlessly and just hug him and hold onto him and touch his smooth cheeks and face and just lie deeply hidden in his great big arms. I wanted to fly. And it was then I realized: I have all I ever wanted.

The new layout is up, hope you appreciate its simplicity. If you want to be hosted here, please refer yourself to the Hosting page, also linked on the menu. Follow directions and we shall speak soon enough.

I absolutely despise when a person who you are attempting to talk to has their attention divided between you and something else. Its as if you're talking to a wall. Thats not called having a conversation and I resent the fact that I might not be worth someone's attention completely.

I love him and I can't help it. No one gets my blood rushing as fast or my heart beating as nervously as it does. How do I know its love? I just know. At one point, you just know and then you begin to question if this whole thing is real. Sometimes, I'll just place my hand on his cheek and look into his eyes and think to myself, "Is he real? Is this real? Its un-fucking-believable how lucky I am to be in his arms." Its the most amazing feeling when you realize its all true, like when you wake up at 5 in the morning on Saturday and remember you don't have to go to school. In a way, I've dedicated this layout to him because now, more than ever, my heart, my love, my intentions are as bare to him as my skin. I am nAked infront of him, I have nothing more to hide. The "A" is big because he is such a big part of me, he stands above anything else. Sometimes I get frustrated or the PMS starts kicking in *ahem* and I might ruin his mood or push the wrong button, all I can ask for is for forgiveness and understanding. Alex, close your eyes, think back to 4:30 today, and even when you're angry with me, remember it and know what we have together is stronger than any misunderstanding or argument. You are my one and only. I love you.

Today was wonderful. First, I want to start by wishing Mike a happy 18th birthday. I remember when we all became friends with him upstate and for the whole summer, I was in awe with him. I had always respected him for his internal strength and perseverance. He has one of those expressionless faces unless he's really surprised or excited. He's got a destructive streak to him like that time we tried to smash a bullet with a rock and his taking out half of the lights in the colony. He's not full of himself but he's confident. He's got serious talent. Etc, etc., he knows how much I love him.

So today I recited a excerpt from "War and Peace" for a group of eager mothers in Russian school. Then we snatched Alex and made our way to Staten Island for the partay. Sandi is really blonde and fancy but I can still see that Sandi I met 10 years ago. I spoke to Gela minimally although I remember how I used to tell her everything. Ilya grew, but he's still small with a deep voice and stationary hair, he's still the cool Ilya we all know and love. Hmm. Oh, Morris. Goodness he's so big now. I should post the pictures of me and him when we got married. Anywho, we ate a little, walked around the park, visited the handball courts and such. Me, Alex, Morris, and Mike's friend whose name conveniently slipped out of my mind, walked around the beach and such and I got about an ounce of sand in each All-Star. It was like a big reunion, and that made me happy. It was really cold, too, but we kept shivering and talking and laughing just like at midnight upstate.

It got better when Morris and his parents and Alex came over our house and we chilled. It was fun, like two of my favorite people just laughing about stuff. I don't know, there was something special about today. Well, thanks Mike for making it happen. I'm afraid relations between my two oldest friends are more or less severed, but something will always stay between us. Yeah.

Yesterday was really awesome too. Me and Alex had run to the Jewish Museum to watch a bunch of short films for the Tribeca Film Festival. I didn't understand most of them or how they related to the theme of life and death. It was a bunch of experimental, indie stuff, and that kinda turns me off. But it was an experience, and thats great to have. We walked down Church and ate at Bread Tribeca which was very chic and Village-ish. We made our way to Chinatown and then to Little Italy where we found an awesome little cafe. There was a young guy there playing ragtime music and me and Alex sat outside drinking tea and listening to him. We laughed a lot. We also spent most of our money, for the exception of two dollars. It was so much fun. And then, to top the day off like with a cherry, Alex blogged about it, and that made me really happy. Rarities are priceless. These past two days kinda make me look back and say, "Damn, I love life." And why not? Wish me a happy 100th entry!

I've boiled life down into two important concepts. The Brain and The Ball. The brain is where experience becomes flesh. Think about that. Your experiences, seemingly intangible stuff such as words and actions that you can't exactly hold onto, become matter. Your body does this by itself and your brain builds and crunches up with all this information. So beautifully complex. Its amazing. Now think of the ball. The ball is the universal play thing. Almost every game involving movement circles around the ball. You have to get the ball somewhere, with your hands in basketball, with your feet in soccer, with a racket in tennis. I think the ball, side to side with the wheel, is the second most important invention in history. And its so simple. So ingenious and so simple. There is power in simplicity, great power. There is great power in complexity, as well. Maybe that is why there is so much in this world we have left to learn.

Its so cool! My web server gives me a forum and 999 emails and so much other cool stuff. I'm almost finished setting up my first hostee too! I set up the forum, I just need to fix it up. I highly doubt, however, that it will come to any use even if I link it. I now have my own email, margaret@iwantyouto.com, and a special administrator email, administrator@iwantyouto.com. Thats some cool shit.

Stomach virus. Brought into the house by: Michelle, Age 7. Victims: Me, my mom, my grandmother, my grandfather, Alex. Its a happy family kind of thing. I was getting ready to leave the house when I get the splendid news that Alex got sick. I ran over after school and sat with him, talked a little, petted him a little. On and off sleeping. Had dinner with his parents and then back to the sitting and the comforting. I walked around and folded some of his clothes, stacked his haphazardly thrown around text books, and watched him toss and turn from fever and pain. Not pretty. But neither was my turn. I wish I had someone to sit with me like that. I just leaned in the chair and watched him sleep. I wanted to help, but I couldn't. I don't think I did much, anyway, but company is so nice, even if you're too sleepy to appreciate it. They say that what you give is what you get, hope it plays true. I'll be back there tomorrow.

Everyone wants to be wanted. The need for acceptance,to be needed in someone else's life. Most of all, people need to know that they're wanted, its important to hear it, to understand it. I always try to tell Alex, for example, that I miss him or I want to be with him, and I think it makes him feel good knowing he's important to me. Its especially important to those people you tend to neglect, like your grandparents or some friends you haven't spoke to in a while. Tell me you need me, tell me you want me, kind of thing. That's why it hurts if people forget your birthday or if youre sick, it shows they don't really care, they didn't think about you enough to make the effort. Tomorrow, tell someone you need them in your life.

Spring is rapidly approaching, only two weeks to May and only two months to summer after that. It was so warm and so nice today, but its going back to the 60s for the rest of the week. With spring come hormones, yip dee doo!

Come on baby, light my fire.

Yesterday was SOOO much fun. After school, me and Alex went to B. B. King Blues Bar to listen to a bunch of tribute bands. We stood in line to get in, good thing we got there early and were like six people in because we didn't have tickets. While in line we got free movie tickets to see Van Helsing this Friday, two weeks before it comes out in theaters, heehee! I thought that was pretty cool. Anyway, we sat down in the standing places area and there was this dude with shoulder-length shaggy hair and an Aerosmith shirt and he stood way up in front of the stage despite the fact there was no one there and me and Alex laughed a little to ourselves; by the end of the night, we acknowledged his coolness. The first band was Aerosmith and almost no people were there. The guy who was supposed to be Steven Tyler was so eccentric for so little people so I got bored quickly and started bothering Alex, who in turn told me to stop acting like a little kid while he attempted to listen to the music and we spent the whole intermission pissed. But then The Doors tribute came out and they were awesome! It was all so mellow and psychodelic and I started dancing. Looking back at myself I probably looked SO retarded, but Alex is kind to say otherwise. Another intermission and we were both hyped up and full of energy because the next band was the Led Zeppelin tribute band, and we be crazy about the Zeppelin. When they came out, everyone went crazy! It was so cool! When they played "Black Dog" me and Alex were just screaming and wooooo! Wow, it was so much fun. At one point he kissed me and I just closed my eyes and I could hear the music in the background and our hearts racing and it was so cool! We didn't stay for the U2 tribute band because it was 11:30 by then and my mom had promised to pick us up. So, all hyped up, we stopped at Starbucks + bathroom + water at the hot dog vendor and we were in the car. Ten minutes later, we were sleeping on each other.

I didn't come home that late, I fell asleep around 1, but I woke up today around 11:50, I was so sleepy and so refreshed from the dancing and the screaming and the tiredness. For the most part of the day I was a little deef and Alex's voice got deeper and raspier from all the exposure we had yesterday. Around 2 we went to Rockefeller Center's 24th Annual Orchid Show where Alex got one of them Venus Fly Traps and I got this yellow orchid for my mother. Everything there was so beautiful and bright and colorful and I just wanted to take everything home with me. Back home we lay around for a while, ate, and then Alex left. I babysat my sister AND worked on a chem project at the same time, running this way and that. Finally, I called Alex who came home at 12 o'clock when he left my house around 7:30, hmmm, don't you think that's strange? Well, he didn't call.. so that means he just walked in the door when I called. I kid, but stop forgetting, I get worried.

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theponderingmonkey.com

The Cure is coming back! Oh my god, this is so stupid and weird and can possibly be cool. I don't know, but they're coming back with a new album from an eleven year hiatus. No, wait. There was Wild Mood Swings in '96 and Bloodflowers in 2000. Crap, guess its not that cool after all. But I hear they're getting big again, you know, what with their 80s fan base. I'm so mad. Horizons isn't coming out this year and I had put so much effort into writing something pretty in hopes of it being published. I'm pissed. The important thing is that I have these poems now and I think they're kinda good. I'll post a few sometime. I will eventually begin making a new profile, its so much work! I know when I get into it, I won't stop until its done so I have to pick a pretty calm time to do it. Let's see.. I have 2,809 songs on my mp3 player! It's so exciting. Considering I have so much space with my domain name, I think I might put up a few songs for dl. Or not. I started playing Spider Solitaire and now I can't stop. Kind like Bust-A-Move but it suddenyl started working really slow on my comp. Stankonia.

You know what I admire in men? Some men are so proud when their wives give birth, they become so proud of their little babies. I also love when a guy fights to protect his woman or becomes really intimidating if some punk-ass bitch wants to tap his woman's fine ass. But its animal instinct, really. For men to be proud of their young is a show of pride of thier libido and how nicely he impregnated his wife. And the female protection thing is an important part of establishing property and no guy would wanna be pussy whipped by some other dude who screws his wife better. It has also come to notice that me and Alex are afraid of each other. Thats about right. I got super scared today and so did he. I wish he had stayed for tea. First day of school sucked ass, but weekend is quickly approaching. Hurrah.

Well, night, actually. Spring break is ova -- too short. Can't go back to school, I just can't. I've been feeling very strange these past three days, I don't know what it is, but I went to sleep every night drowning in my tears. I hate when I cry for him, I hate it. It seems so useless because I never really tell him what is on my mind and when I do, things don't change. You know what feeling is great? When you don't see someone for a few days, like when you return to school on a Monday, and you have a new haircut, and you're so excited to show everyone. I love that feeling. You know what feeling sucks? When you get cheated out of an extra gift if your birthday or something is on or close to the day of some major holiday when people get gifts. I mean, think about the people who's birthdays are in the middle of a boring month like August, why should they get two gifts just because your mother picked a horrible day to push you out. And especially if its like an important birthday like 16, 18, or 21. Let me tell you, it sucks ass. I was talking to my aunt about that the other day and she got all mad and frustrated like, "Man, those people just don't care, they don't see the importance, they get extra care and attention on their birthdays but when your birthday is next to an important date, why should you get cheated out? That's not cool because people just don't care about you." I don't think they just don't care about you, I just think they don't find it important enough. I would make the effort to play nice all year long, regardless if a person's birthday falls around a holiday or not. Would it be right to make it up the next year? Kinda, on one hand you have to learn, on the other hand, you don't wait a year, you can't quite ignore what you did. I had a few fun days this vacation. Went to the International Center of Photography + Irish restaurant with Alex. There was an exhibit of Russian propaganda posters from around to post WWI, photos from the war in iraq, "Art in Science," and some other thing which I remember nothing about. Alex's mom broke two bones in an unfortunate shmelting accident, so I stayed at his house and served no purpose, shouldn't have come, wasn't much help anyway. We also went to the Museum of Sex + Just Pickles + Gramercy Diner on 3rd and 17th. You have to be over 18 to get into the Museum of Sex, I don't know how we got in, but we suspect its because of Alex's mustache. We got to look at Josh who loves to take pictures and make videos of himself. We found him interesting. And there was this one documentary with this girl with googly eyes who eats carrots. Just Pickles is this little store with a timid Jew that sells pickles, just pickles, well, rather, pickled stuff but the pickles we tried were too salty, we'll go back there some time, as you promised. That day was most funnest. Then there was the Science and Business Library + Greek restaurant + ice cream, the Library where we spent half the time getting ACESS cards and the other half understanding what we had to research. We made 6 dollars worth of copies with my money after learning about his topic. Nonetheless, the Greek restaurant was awesome -- 3rd Ave b/t 34 + 33 -- and the ice cream was good. Then there was that thing he promised me for being such a good helper that I needed helping with for the past few days but he couldn't make it. Hmmmm. The rest was more or less utter crap. Yeh. I feel like crap. Passover is over, didn't brake the rules all week! HA HA! I downloaded 80s songs at Alex's request and I felt funny listening to them, like you get all giddy and stuff. I hate when I do something for someone and get nothing in return, I hate it so badly like they were completely intent on having something wonderful done for them and give nothing back. Those people are mean and mean people suck. You know what else sucks? When you have what you consider a close friend and then they just forget about you when it comes to something you were planning to do together and they go off to do it without you. Man, I hate feeling insignificant. I just wanna know why you forgot about me, Mike. My grandmother's cat, Lucifer is so funny. He's so stupid. I love when people think about you out of nowhere, kinda like Nic when he came to drop off a friend in Brooklyn and he remembered about me and called me, that was sweet, unlike people who don't notice you're gone, 'till, say, your corpse is rotting in their front yard. Such is life. Such is life...

Aida was crap. The Passion of Christ was crap. The Ladykillers was pretty much crap too. The Da Vinci Code had cool ideas and was pretty fast-tracked, but the style of writing was crap. My 40 gig iRiver iHP-140 mp3 player is not crap.

I'm really happy vacation started. I gotta DO stuff this vacation. Since my mommy has a week off too, we're going to Six Flags on Monday, hooray! I'm really scared of rollercoasters though.. what if I'm too short to go on it? Oh well. I gotta do stuff with my life. I have so much to talk about and too lazy to do it, hopefully I'll use this break to get something accomplished. Happy Spring Break.

I love you.

Stayed home today, felt sick, watched My Fair Lady. Yesterday I got to watch a fight, but its not the first. You know something is going to start when two guys come up to each other, face to face, yelling and arguing and screaming. But even at that point, you can see that things might simmer down and they'll walk away. I'm pretty sure thats what would have happened, was it not for the group of guys gathering around them, screaming, "Punch him! You pussy! Hit him! Hit him! Come on! Punch him!" So the fight started and this mob of guys is just swaying back and forth as the two kids are beating the shit out of each other, bloody faces and all. But usually at times like those, every guy's adrenaline starts pumping through his veins and he just wants to turn around and hit someone too. I talked to my mom about this, and traced it, as with many things, to the animal part of all humans. Its pretty interesting to watch male reactions to a fight, I suppose thats why all those shooting games are so much fun. Gotta delve into that deeper sometime.

On Friday I saw Starsky and Hutch which was pretty funny. On Saturday I got to celebrate my birthday with the whole family, and Alex, but he's considered a part of the family anyway. I wore my pinstripe suit with a white blouse, flipped-out hair, and the first pair of fancy shoes I bought for myself. I was SO excited! I had a lot of fun and made a lot of money. Wow, I went from broke to loaded, so I shall soon be a posessor of a beautiful new iRiver iHP-140 mp3 player. WOOHOO! Then Sunday. Wow, Sunday was great. As you can probably tell from the latest blog entry, it was mine and Alex's one year anniversary. He took me to see Avenue Q, "a cross between Sesame Street and South Park." Thats a pretty clear description of it. It was really great, really funny and I had a wonderful time. Then we went to like the best resaurant ever, Josie's. We sat around and talked about the past and it was really nice. I'm really happy with Alex, I hope he understands that. Also, after losing and forgetting, he wrote me a letter that my mother said was very profound. There's one thing that really grabbed me:

We were made for each other, sculpted from different people but with the same intent.

Alex Skuratovsky, I love you. My mind goes blank because I cannot describe in any other way how I feel. I love you. I know I love you because I just know it. It flows through my veins, it preserves the vitality of my soul. I am nothing without you. I am everything with you. And now, a whole year later, I know it more than ever.

I don’t know who to start to thank. I guess I can start with Veronica who I bothered on March 13th, asking for your screen name. But then, I wouldn’t have started liking you if I hadn’t been forced to go to the dentist and take the Q. So I should thank my candy consumption and the dentist for his location. But, if I didn’t know you from math class, then it wouldn’t matter if I took the Q or not. So I should thank our guidance counselors for putting us into the same math class. But had I not passed the test into Tech, I would have never met you in math class. So I suppose I should thank my parents for their genes. And their parents’ genes. And their parents’ genes. And their parents’ genes. And their parents’ genes. And their parents’ genes. And then all the way back to the monkeys and down to the first cell that came from the Big Bang. But that’s way too far back. So I’m just going to thank you. Thank you, Alex, for being so funny and sexy. Thank you for making me fall head over heels in awe with you that time we were alone on the Q; you kept me mesmerized and laughing and when I got off the train, I knew I had to bring you into my life. I’m so amazingly glad I did.

I remember the first date. I think we just clicked from those first few moments together. Then there was the time I took your hand while we walked to the train station. The first time you hugged me. The first time you kissed me on the cheek. The first kiss. What makes this different than other stories was that every time we’d do something seemingly new, I had the most amazing butterflies. I remember my meeting your mother, the time we went to see da Vinci and you began to touch me. It felt so nice to be held by you. The time I rollerbladed to your house in the rain and had to change into your huge sweatpants; we watched "Catch Me if You Can" and I came home late. The zillions of silly text messages and notes I slipped into your pockets. My cell phone AND glasses. Anna. I remember, even more, the retarded things we did, and still do. Peanut butter, nose-blowing, ear-blowing, eye-gouging, feeding each other, and Wednesday’s shenanigans with the tea, your constant threats to kill me, to name a few. The places we’ve gone together: movies, opera, ballet, concerts, Temple, stand-up, parks, Manhattan streets. Your coming upstate for the last weekend. Your spontaneous appearances at my door with flowers. The music we listen to, our favorite songs: "Everlong" remains #1. Inside jokes! "I bet I can fist you." Luther. Click. La pina no cupo. Smoke two joints. Neo and Smith. "I thought I told you to shut up!" My cold sores. The chosen one. Beaner! The rest escapes me.

We’ve had our not-so-good times. The few silly arguments in the beginning. My straying from you. Then, I think, the biggest mistake of my life that I still don’t forgive myself for. The end of January through February when I was overrun by you know what, I was being irritable and over-reactive, the arguments I started because I was being stupid. I was retarded. I’m so very sorry, Alex. But every time I put myself through one of those instances, I came out realizing that you meant the world to me and I have no reason to make you unhappy. I came out understanding more and more than I cannot be without you, no one can replace you, and I simply cannot see myself with anyone else.

I love it when I get to sleep next to you. I love it when you call me baby. When you kiss me on the cheek. When your hand searches for mine. When we’re just lying down and I get to rest my head on your chest. I love it when you make it known with subtle gestures and body language that I’m your girl. I love it when you stand behind me and hold me by the hips. I love it when you assume the uber-masculine role. I love it when you tease me. I love it every time I see your screen name pop up, or I see your name on my cell. I love to make you laugh, I love it more when you make me laugh. I love it when you want to protect me or get jealous of others. I love it when you play guitar. I love it when you sing. I love it when you tickle me.. sometimes. I love your spontaneity. I love your shoulders, neck, chest, collarbone, stomach, legs, back, butt, fingers, toes, eyes, ears, nose, teeth, your chin and beard and mustache, your long eyelashes, your eyes, your hair, your lips, I love you all, from head to toenail.

I’ve mentioned this to you a billion times, but I have to say how happy I am that my parents love you and that, hopefully, your parents love me. Even our parents met each other, and hey! we’re soon going to be flying to Florida together! Its just great knowing our parents approve. I love your family, your small mother, your cute grandmother, and I really hope you accept mine. You’re amazing with my sister, I don’t know how I’d do it without you sometimes.

God I’ve grown so much with you! You’ve been the greatest, biggest influence on me for ONE WHOLE YEAR OF MY LIFE! There is just so much we’ve been through together. I can’t single out events anymore because you have become infused into my life much like sleeping, eating, and going to school. Funny thing is, it all went by so fast. It doesn’t feel like one year. Time flies when I’m with you and it just feels so amazing. I hope that I’ve left some positive mark on your as your first girlfriend. Actually, I can’t consider anyone before you as anything significant, so you’re going to be my first, too. You’ve made me grow mentally, and I feel I’ve become a better person with you.

You are my love. You are my life. You are my air and blood. My inspiration. My drive. The reason I walk and talk and carry out my daily routines. You are the sun and the moon and the water and earth. You are every step I take. You make me feel like I’m on top of the world. You are everything to me. Everything. I can’t express it in any stronger words. You are me. You have grown inside me, you have replaced my heart. Now I can only feel your laughter, your touch, your smiles and kisses pumping the blood to my fingers and toes. Sometimes I feel myself falling, falling far and deep into your arms, places where no one can reach me, but where you protect me. You make me want to be better.

Thank you for all that you’ve done for me. Thank you for all that you mean to me. Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for loving and accepting me. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being sexy, smart, funny, intellectual, cultured, and erudite. Thank you for a wonderful, amazing, marvelous, remarkable, extraordinary year together. There are so many things floating around in my brain and in my heart. And yet I can only sum up my feelings in a few simple words.

I love you.

Happy anniversary, baby.

www.creaturesinmyhead.com

[edit]
Ok, so like, woah. Thank you for the few of you who gave me gifts and the even fewer of you who called (grand total? 2 calls). My day started out simply amazing because Alex got up at 6 o'clock to bring himself and a gorgeous boquet of flowers to my door at 7. The whole day he looked super sleepy, so I scolded him for going to sleep late and waking up an hour earlier than usual, but he put me in my place =] I got gifts from Renata, Yishi, Yana, and Emily so I had a heavy bag to carry. After school, my mommy picked me and Alex up and we went to Manhattan to pick up my daddy. They gave me a violin! A VIOLIN! OMG! I'm so totally psyched! Wow, its simply gorgeous, too, and wowee.. I'm speechless! We went to a great French restaurant and laughed and ate and everything, it was great. Alex fell alseep and drooled on me in the car because of his previous sleep-deprivation escapades, but it felt so amazing lying next to him. Then I walked with him upstairs and oh my god, we kissed and I felt like we were just going to burst from all the love and passion swelling up inside us, our hearts were racing so fast. Its got to mean something when even a year later, the biggest sparks are flying in circles around you and the person you love. Wow, I had an awesome birthday. Thank you everyone who made it great =]
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Yay! I'm 16 today. I don't know if any sweeter though.. *bites arm* No, not much sweeter. So now I can get a student permit, but I'm not going to learn to drive for a while; I prefer to be driven. Mmmm. Driven. Anywho, I can't wait to get my gift from Alex on Sunday, only unlike my gifts to him, my birthday gift and my anniversary gift are mushed into one. CHEAPASS! =] I'm just kidding, I'm super excited because I won't know till I get there. HOORAY! Thank you Alex and Emily for writing entries for me, they made me tingle. Well then, I'm going to be center of attention today, and thats gonna kick ass =]