This is such fucking ridiculous shit. AHH!!! I want to throw something. My promiscuity is going to get to me one day. Just watch, it'll be my downfall or some shit. There's serious drama over a parody of a shirt I made that Alex's wanted to print for my for New Year's and now all of a sudden I'm public enemy #1. I don't know, I'm used to my liberal parents not giving a shit. People should stop giving a shit. Then, I find out that I have to do 4 more fucking articles for this week before we hand in our projects in Government. I don't know why but it drove me up the fucking wall. I wanted to shoot something right then and there. It really is quite an overwhleming feeling. Yeah. Well, that's that. I don't know why I'm feeling so pissed.

Yesterday was really really great. I had a lot of fun. After school me and Alex went to the city where we had dinner in some restaurant that was either really cheap on food or followed European dogma for portions. In any case, we were all alone and I felt like some stiff ass. Kinda made me feel uncomfortable. Anyway, desert was far more exciting. We went to Josie's and sat at the bar next to eat over on swiveling stools and ordered desert. It was funny because they had given us a plate with mashed yams that usually come with bread. We asked the bread guy for our favorite bread and waited for our desert. It was so funny to see the waitress look at us with our bread and yams while she brought the desert and tea. Anyway, desert was fun there. First of all the place was packed so it felt much lighter and exciting and we talked about all kinds of stuff and laughed and enjoyed ourselves. I swiveled on my chair and Alex wreaked havoc on my apple pie while I stole his graham cracker. It was nice. The tea was good and the atmosphere was awesome. Anyway, we made our way to the movies where we originally got tickets for Spanglish. While I went to the bathroom, Alex so cleverly observed that the movie we originally wanted to see but was sold out was RIGHT NEXT TO our theater. That was so awesome! Anyway, we sat in the right theater for about half an hour and talked and caressed and made out. That was fun. Then, in the middle of the previews, we walked into the theater to see Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou and sat around there for about 45 minutes until the movie began. Kissing and touching ensued, as usual, but that was my fault. Anyway, the movie was awesome. We both loved it. I really liked Willem Dafoe in it. It was just a really great film. When we left the theater, Alex wanted to take a walk, so we began our journey to 42nd. I love walking with him and just talking, or not saying anything at all, and stopping once in a while to look at each other and kiss for a few seconds, and then venture on. When we finally got on the train, we both fell asleep and woke up a few stops from home. What happened in my room was crazy. It was just really.. wow. Wow. Alex eventually got in his car and left. That night I lay in bed and I just thought about everything we did and talked about that day. It such great fun. I wonder how anything could ever really go wrong when everything feels so right when we're together. We always comforts me and entertains me. He is my perfect companion. I loved the time we spent together that day. I love spending time with him period. It was a wonderful date. I adore him.

I know now why they call it make-up sex. There is probably nothing grater, nor more exhilirating and passionate. Well, that's not always true, but it's just really amazing. Saturday was a very very sad and mushy day and the four hours that we spent on the phone together that night kinda determined a lot for us, I guess. Not to say it didn't hurt, it did, but honesty is truly the thing that keeps us together. The arguments we have and the way we resolve them helps strengthen what we have, at least thats the way I see those arguments. In any case, certain things were sorted out and now things might be just a wee bit better. Sunday was maginificent. Alex has the tendency not to tell me when he's coming over so I usually end up greeting him in sweatpants and a sweatshirt -- not very sexy at all. He brought me white lilies that still refresh the whole kitchen. Then he made me feel so amazingly euphoric. It was just crazy passion. That was definitely a five-star day. He was so loving and nice, but went right back to poking and stabbing in school the next day. I think he's only that nice when we're alone, but I love him just the same.

We got our report cards and PSAT scores today. No use putting them up; I did well and that's all that counts. I'm happy with my PSAT score (97 percentile, 2040/2400) and my report card wasn't too shabby. I did a crazy thing today! I signed up for the March SAT. Now it's totally official that I'm taking it on the 12th.. kinda scary. So that's that. Oh! Alex's New Year's present is here and he's going to get it tomorrow in the morning. I'm excited to give it to him but I don't know how much he'll like it. Last year when I gave him his gift, he was absolutely radiant with joy. I hope it'll be the same this year, particularly because I wasn't 100% sure about whether or not he'll like it. We'll see tomorrow then, shall we?

I just remembered. 1 year and 9 months. Those are wild numbers. We've endured this long with a happiness unimaginable by many couples these days. Don't let it dwindle. We make it work because we're so fucking awesome. I love you with all my heart, Alex, and I will continue adamantly. You are my world, my life, don't take that away from me. I love you and thank you for who and what you are to me<3

Another shitty SAT day beautifully ended. My mother came to drive me home after class and then Alex came over. We went to the city and after finding out Kinsey was sold out at Sunshine Cinema, walked down 2nd Ave. We stopped in Toy Tokyo and a store right next to it. They basically had memorabilia and collectables but we took our time walking around and looking at things. I had gone in there before with my parents an few years ago so I decided to take Alex in. After the shops, we kept walking and went to eat in the 2nd Avenue Deli, one of the best, oldest Jewish delis in the city. It was so cool. The second you walk in it smells like Jew. Like chulent, knish, matzo ball soup. It was great. Instead of bread and butter, they bring you a bowl of amazing cole slaw and a plate filled with pickles. Me and Alex almost peed ourselves from excitement. The rest was pretty fucking expensive, but oh well. We had tea and chocolate babka which was delectable. I haven't used that word in a while. Anway, we wanted to take a walk but decided to make our way to a theater on Broadway and 13th. On the way we found a movie theater anyway that was playing Alexander within 15 minutes of our getting there. Perfect timing. I love that! The movie is directed by Oliver Stone so a lot of homosexuality, partriotic behavior, insanity and dellusions, etc. Bunch of crap for 3 hours. Oi, I got so restless, but thats alright. It was great being with Alex through that horror. On the way home I acted kinda stupid and made Alex angry. But then I calmed down and everything was nice again. He lay on me and I ran my hands through his hair. It was wonderful just sitting there, curled up within one another, quiet and comfortable. I thought about how much I love him and why. I mean, I would never want to hold someone close to me like I hold him. I would never want to do so much or give so much up for anyone but him. He felt mushy today and I hope I made his day somewhat better and more enjoyable than it migh have been previously. I want to make him happy because he deserves no less. He is my gallant, heroic, handsome, (straight) Alexander with better shoulders than Colin Farell would ever DREAM of having. I adore him.

December already. I'm happy. A few things I've been thinking about. Its really fucking ridiculous when freshmen start smoking to fit in. I hate that. Low self-esteem or not, how can you throw away your health when you can probably win a better, stronger group of friends by being yourself? It's just not cool. I mean, there's this one kid that Alex and I noticed at different instances. He's kinda big, hair slicked back, obvious loser kid. He smokes. He looks so unnatural doing it, he is so obvious. And I think its pathetic that people do that. Accept who you are and people will accept you. Its all animalistic. If you step into a room with your self-image on a throne, people will start to sense theres something special about you and they will begin to respect you, without you having said a word. Its magic. Its human nature.

We went to see Closer today. It was interesting and depressing. But it honestly reflected people's feelings. I mean, feelings change one second after another, people run back and forth, regret their decisions and run right back to the starting point. It all goes in circles. Love is a beautiful, diffulct thing to comprehend and people get lost in the frenzy of things. Sex is both pivotal and unimportant. Truth, truth is a virtue, and while some may want to be quiet to save time and explanation of the truth, they are cowards. There was something about the character of Larry, the dermatologist, that really got to me. He seemed the only one true, honest, and open and he appealed to me because of that. He was truthful and he thanked people for being sincere when he was extremely angry with them. Well done, Larry.

I love spending quiet moments with Alex simply because its never quiet with him. Alex is so animated and lively all the time, and even when we're having a quiet moment, he does something like sticking his tongue in my ear, biting or licking my hair, or making annoying noises into my ear. Now I love his enthusiasm and playfulness, but I love it even more after we've finished watching a movie, its dark, and we have those few moments when we're both reflecting and not saying anything. Those are such wonderful moments. Its then that I feel really open and connected to him, when we're saying nothing at all. The same goes for in the car, but thats when his biting and licking come in and that turns me off to an extent. That's why I love laying with him, relaxed and calm, instead of his usual threatening body language, noises, interruptions, etc. And theres really no reason to ask what's wrong when I'm quiet because at that moment I am enjoying being with him most of all, and nothing can possibly be wrong then. I love being with him because he always makes me happy. And although love is found to be so devastating and fragile in Closer, its not always like that. I know that because we know that. Its the loud moments and the quiet moments and a collection of a hundred thousand sensations that occur at every touch and every word. Love itself is a fruitful feeling. The more you love, the more love there is. I love you, Alex, when you're excited, but lets take a few minutes once in a while, and just be. I find myself thinking about how handsome and smart and wonderful and understanding you are, plus you're right next to me. And it always seems like my head and my hands are positioned in the most comfortable, most perfect way. The most comfortable silence is with you.

I went to see The Nutcracker today which was truly stupendous. This year is the 50th anniversary of its production in the New York City Theater and really does come off as being 50 years in the making. It was just absolutely great. Everything was so nice and everyone danced so well and the music was so pretty. Wow, I'm totally overwhelmed. So after the show we went to eat at one of my and Alex's favorite restaurants, Josies. It wasn't as special as it is when I'm with Alex. My mother complained about service and the shitty coffee, but oh well. I know I like it. My sister really has some kind of problem. She never thinks about anyone else. She's always whining and shit, and its not like its just because she's eight. If the whole family has something to say, its a problem. I hate that. I hate how she ruins everyone's moods. My sister starts whining and complaining so my mother starts yelling and then my dad starts yelling at my mom to shut up. In the end, everyone is upset. Its just this cycle that goes on and on. I despise it. Anyway. Vacation is over. Tomorrow starts a full week of school. At least I'll get to see Alex tomorrow. I can be happy about something.

So tired. Music in the morning. SAT for 5 hours. Then I went to the continent -- The Bronx -- with my parents and sister to see their friends. They played music and we talked and they drank and smoked. It was cool. This "vacation" thing went by SO fast. I can't believe it. It feels like I was just waiting for this break to come, now its almost over. This sucks such big balls. Not to say I didn't enjoy it, I did, a lot. But it feels like it was never there in the first place. Time is just flying by and I stuck in an instant, rushing through it all. I talked to Alex somewhat today. He seems kinda angry/upset/disappointed in his relatives for some reason. I wonder what's up but he keeps his mouth shut. Things have been shaky lately, I don't know why. Something is going on between us, like the things that he put up with before now drive him crazy and all of a sudden I want to know too much or I'm asking things I never used to ask before. Its really weird. I don't like making him feel the way he does but somehow it turns out that I just can't do anything about that. That blows. Then we go on hour-long arguments about he-said, she-said and we walk in circles and get nowhere. Something's up. He won't talk. I do nothing but talk. But at least I see he wants to make it work, most of the time. Other times he just blatantly ignores what he doesn't like discussing. No matter. Everyone is different. On a lighter note, everyone has been asking me lately (Sandi, Val, Allan, Anna, to name a few) if I see myself getting married to Alex. For all of you who have the same question on your tongue, yes, I see myself getting to married to Alex now. I see myself being with him for years to come. But I don't really know whats going to happen in the future. So lets leave it kinda hazy-like, shall we? The only thing in the back of my mind is his possible desire to explore other female territory. I mean, I kinda pulled him in right away for a nice chunk of time, I just hope he doesn't get bored of me. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I know I love him with all my heart and will continue to give my all to him, no matter how ugly or uninteresting I get. I love him because he treats me right, no matter what, and I can't think of any other guy that would treat me as well as he does. Not only is he the greatest boyfriend, but he's the best kind of friend, the best kind of support. I love him and he loves me (I hope, sincerely) and that's all that really matters, isn't it? You're my life.

Well, yesterday we did the Turkey. All together like one big happy family. Then we ate it. I went to my grandmother's house and put on makeup and looked really pretty. I called Alex to tell him that, too. We had a modest dinner and watched TV. That was just about it for Thanksgiving Day. Hmm.. Today I met up with Val and we did more girly things. We went to Kings Plaza together to go shopping! Yay!! We walked around because she wanted to find a pair of boots that we ended up locatin in Payless but she didn't want to buy them from Payless. Oh well. We walked into Bath and Body to look for Mike who works there but we didn't find him. He missed out. We walked around the mall some more, stopped at the movie theater and saw that nothing good was playing. Then we went to the Limited Too and took our pictures on those little sticker things, you know? The tiny stickers? Anyway, we were adjusting the camera for like an hour but we finally settled on a picture and I still looked horrible. I bought this really nice green American Eagle hoody that I really like so I was pretty happy. We went downstairs to get me something to eat and then talked about upstate and people from upstate and all that good stuff. More gossip. We went into 12038701893 stores and looked at clothes together. I felt like such a girl, but I guess that a good thing now and then. We finished off with H&M and looked at all this sexy, cheap lengerie. That was about it, overall. We finally got on the B3 to go home and passed by Alex's house. I realized that I'm not going crazy over him not being here. I mean, I miss him, of course, but I don't mind that we're apart for a while. I don't miss him like I did last year when he left, like im not completely devastated. It feels good. I still love you, baby, and I miss you terribly! Anyway, while we sat on the bus there was this couple that wouldn't stop making out. The guy was kissing her and looked at me and Val. Bastard. Then he did the thing where you unfold a Starburst in your mouth in order to show off to his girlfriend. It was rediculous. Anyway, I'm so happy I got this hoody. I don't really own anything green. Yay! Also, lately I've been doing this set of strenghtening exercises we learned in yoga. Damn. That shit is wack. My arms and legs and abs are killing me but it feels good to know you're doing something. I'm stalling on all my homework, too. Oh well, I'll kick myself later.

Thank GOD we're off. FINALLY! I've been waiting for this for a while. Of course I got my share of homework and stuff, but boy does it feel good to not care for four days. So Alex left yesterday down South which is just about what happens when there are a few FREE days to spend. He leaves. It sucks, but oh well. So I got through all my classes today waiting to get the hell out of school. It wasn't a very eventful schoolday although Mr. Avery did tell me that if I write it well, its possible he might enter my paper into this constest thing. Anyway, after school I went to the city and met Sandi. We searched dilligently for someplace to eat and found a diner in NoHo. It wasn't all that good but the bill sure made it seem like we went somewhere fancy. We talked about things like big penises and graffitied mountains. It was fun, girl stuff and all. We walked some more and found this Holloween Costume shop thing. This kid Alex came to see her and we all went inside and looked at the Christmas ornaments and the costumes and stuff. There was all kinds of cool stuff in there so we loitered around. We eventually got to Union Square where I stopped in Starbucks and then we went to a pizzeria so Alex could eat. Sandi and I gossiped and I felt like a real girl. We talked some more and then went outside and stood next to a Children's Place for about 20 minutes. Sandi felt uncomfortable but we have yet to see whats to happen. I left earlier and they did but I had fun just hanging out today. I put on makeup today because Alex wasn't there to yell all me for wearing it. Its so sweet that he likes me without makeup but sometimes I feel so sexy with it on. Well, thats about it. I changed the layout on Alex's Xanga as a surprise for him. I hope he likes it. Ta-ta!

This. Fucking. Sucks. I hate it. I thought to myself two weeks earlier "Hey! Thanksgiving vacation is coming up, I'll finally get to spend more than an hour alone in one room with Alex." But then I hear he's going away. Alright, fine, he went away last year, I'll live, at least I'll see him on Wednesday. Then I find out he's leaving on Wednesday. Now I'm devastated. So how about we both move our music lessons so we can meet on Tuesday? Brilliant! We both move our music lessons. I clean my room. I plan out what I'd make for dinner. I'm glad that we get to frolick before I start bleeding. But no. It can't be that good. It can't. God forbid anything ever works out for me. He's leaving on Tuesday. Surprise surprise! I WISH. I PRAY TO GOD that I can be like him, just pick up my guitar and forget about it. I know, I'll get over it eventually, but this sucks. I'm so upset. Why does this always have to happen? Next thing I know he's leaving to where ever for Christmas vacation one week early, but I won't find out about it until a day before he leaves. I'm royal pissed. I feel completely screwed over. Why do I feel like I'm the only one who cares about this shit? I can't even properly express how I'm feeling. I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT.

Ok, so Alex is in the middle of blogging, I'm so excited! Its only fair that I do my share. The week flew by because I had so much work. After my nervous breakdown on Monday and Tuesday, I got all hyper and excited on Wednesday. Alex thought I got high. On Thursday I got to lead club again which is really fun because I love standing up there and having people listen to me and stuff. I get to tell them things and manage money and make lists and cross out names and try to get everyone involved. It's hard though because no one really wants to say anything, they just want to DO, which is fine when it comes to making things to sell and stuff, but not when you're thinking of fundraising ideas. Alex will vouch for me on that one. I guess its Alex's job to really do all that stuff, sorry baby for taking away your job =[ Today I got to go to Alex's house where we had a great time lying around in his bed. We had Chinese food, he played "Blackbird" for me, which is really pretty and he plays it well, only I wish he'd learn the whole song, and he got a new cellphone. Yay! Anywho, my mother picked us up and we went to see The Incredibles. The animation was great only the plot was so much more serious than I expected it. It was literally an animated movie, having all the aspects of a movie. But it was grate nonetheless. Alex is really soft. I kissed him in the car and I missed his softness when he left. His cheeks are like little pillows. I reverted to an old layout, only changed a few things around and changed my bio somewhat. That's really just about it. I love you Alex for every little thing you do or say because those things just make me feel like I belong. And I belong only in your arms. I love you.

Ahh! Oh my god, I had the most psychotic weekend ever!!! Ok, so on Friday, after school, me and Alex went to eat in Josie's again and then walked through the rain to the Starbucks near Lincoln Square. We sat there with our peanut butter cookie and drinks and looked through magazines and stuff. We looked through two photo magazines and this cool Pink Floyd magazine thing. That was fun. Anyway, after that, we realized someone got my rainbow umbrella as a present and then I got all sad because I was sending off Alex while I went to the Met to see Carmen with my parents. Yay! Our seats were in a box on the side right above the orchestra which was really cool. I had fun but got home late.

On Saturday, after SAT, I met up with Alex in the city again. We ate at Sbarro and then went to Union Square. We stopped at a Starbucks because I had to pee. We stood in a line. I peed. Then we met with my mom and my sister to see Slava's Snowshow which was really funny. I had a lot of fun. There was all this white paper confetti that everyone was throwing around and I had it all up and down my shirt and pants and in my bra and underwear and everywhere! Anyway, after the show we went to a pizzeria where we ate funky pizza and took pictures which I will post late when my lovely boyfriend sends them to me. That was fun sitting there with my mom and my sister and Alex because we're all a bunch of retards. Then we went to Virgin Records where I got Queen's Jazz, one of their first albums. That was really fun. I also got to shove a handful of confetti into Alex's pants but he got the last word. When we dropped him off, he invited me outside for a surprise -- he threw a handful of confetti at me in the middle of the street. I had JUST finished getting all the confetti out of my clothes when there came another gust of silly white paper at me. Damn you!! I was funny though, I give you mad props. Right.

So Sunday was also really really fun. I did my homework and I met Alex in the train station at around 5. We went to the city again, this time stopping in our favorite Chinese restaurant where we talked about stuff again. Then we walked to Birdland, a jazz club, that was hosting a Django Reinhardt festival. We got to sit on stools and listen to really cool jazz and all sorts of improv. Alex got to hear "Minor Swings" but the guy on the vibraphone fucked it all up. We had peach cobbler that cost $34095132 and coke that we sipped for an hour. I was really awesome hearing all this live jazz because its really cool music. The bassist was going crazy. After all that was over we stopped in Starbucks.. again.. and we got the good stuff and then went home.

Today was not quite as fantastic as my grandiose weekend. I went through a nervous breakdown and then sat in the dermatologist's office for 2.5 hours, only to see the damn doctor for five minutes. Me and my mother were acting like retards and made everyone in the office feel uncomfortable. But I'll tell you what! Today, me and Alex developed our very own Morse code means of communication and then realized how really cool we are. We're really cool. I love you baby<3333

God bless them veterans. Ok so last Friday I went to get my books from the library with Alex and then we ate and rushed home because Alex was going to take the SAT Saturday morning. I was nervous for him and kinda shot him down in Sbarro, but I don't think he understood it was because I was nervous for him. Sorry, baby. Anyway, he went home and I went with my mother and my sister and people from upstate to this puppet show thing with huge marionettes. The show itself wasn't all too good but the music was a four-hand piece by Stravinsky on the piano and that was just really amazing. After my SAT prep thing I went to meet Alex in the city. Turned out the test was easier than he expected and he thought he did well so I was happy. We walked around a little bit and found this nice Mediterranean restaurant that was very yummy. We wanted to go watch a movie and then we ended up not. I got the answer for next time, Alex: a coin. But no matter! We went on a nice walk all the way to 42nd and then we went to my house. My parents were out and we were really tired so we took a nap and that was really nice. We got our transcripts on Tuesday: 95.47% GPA, baby! YEAH! Today was horrible because I woke up at 9 to my dad on the violin and he wouldn't stop until 11 when he left to work so I didn't get to go back to sleep until then. Alex came over and we had a grand old time. I got to feed him but got kinda lost because I hadn't done so in a while. He left me a $1.12 tip. I have a math test and an english test and a physics test tomorrow. I'm going to die. I'm also going to sit in Starbucks with Alex tomorrow which is one of my favorite things to do with him. Ooh! He has something planned for me Saturday evening, I'm so excited! Yay!

I adore you, baby! You're the asolute best and I wouldn't want anyone in your place<333333

Read them and weep:

English - 90
Yoga - 90
Physics - 100
Goverment - 95
Math - 91
TLA research - 94
Music - 95
AP Psych - 90

I'm a smarty pants. Let's see if I can keep that up for Mr. NYU and Dr. Columbia.

Lets see where could I begin. Lets start with me typing this in word because my FTP expired. But no worry ill fix that. Ive been having this rambunctious urge for key lime pie, actually not but ive always wanted to say that. Ive been so happy these past few days. I don't know im just so happy to be with the best boyfriend in the world he loves me, takes care of me, even though he does have a few things he can fix, or even grow up. But that will come with time. But I love him and he loves me back. And that's wat counts. OOOO let me tell u something u don't already know. I love alex.

No. um actually I got my report card and im doing dam well, as compared to alex, but he is trying. It's the effort that counts. That was mean but I love him. And he knows I don't mean to be mean.

Love,
your one and only

P.S. if you haven't figured this out this isn't Margaret.
P.P.S. I love Margaret and im sorry if I hurt her, but I do love her. And im sorry for the criticism of her blog. I meant no harm. I tried to make it as authentic as hers. =] I love her with all my heart.

I am nothing without him. He knows it, but he doesn't understand it. I've done everything in my ability to make him happy and I will continue to do so. Its just not a male's responsibility to care as women do. He'll never understand how much I need him unless I stop needing him. Ignore me when I need you? Baby, two can play at that game, only I choose not to. I don't remember how many times I've asked you how you felt when you were sick about 2 weeks ago. But I know that every time I've said those words I did so because I cared for your well-being. I love you, I do -- by the way, my grandmother says "Hi" -- but I often feel like I'm expecting too much from you. You've grown, you've matured, you've come to understand many new things. But I was mistaken about one thing. You haven't magically come to understand me as a woman. I realize now, I can't expect you to. You're my boy, my little boy, who I love with all my heart, and I'll wait, I'll wait forever for you to catch up, and I promise to never again bother you with those petty female concerns that I have. My sincerest appologies. Listen to Meddle, its really good, especially the song "San Tropez." Its amazing.

There's definitely something about you, baby, that will never allow me to be without you. Its our ability to just forget the world and be together within each other. Like a fusion. A fusion of something very beautiful and real that I doubt many couples ever achieve. I hate to make you feel guilty or angry because it reflects right back on me and I feel it tenfold. Now it might not be the same for you, but I'm telling it how it is. You're out doing your thing, and I'm here doing my own and it would be very arrogant of me to think that I would be the only one you'd want to visit today given the time. I'm a very foolish little girl, I'm not much smarter than you are because I would have driven just about any other guy away by now. But I give myself a moment to breathe when I get angry at something, I give myself a few minutes to dream up about a dozen things that I could do to make you feel for once how I feel, and then I let it all go. And that's when I realize..

I am nothing without you. I would never care for someone as I care for you. Now I want you to treasure that because I am giving you all of me. I wouldn't get angry or cry or get upset if I didn't feel for you the way I do. I hope you understand that connection. I love you, you are all of me, and I choose to give myself and be yours for as long as you want me. Just don't forget that.

Girls, you know how you have that best friend that you do everything with? The one you can't not call and talk to for hours every day. The one you can't imagine not going to the movies without or not sharing your thoughts, feelings, andd gossip with? Take a moment to remember a time when that best friend ditched you to go hang out with someone else and how it felt. Think of the jealousy that ripped through you and the thoughts that ran through your head as to why they would ever want to do something without you when you knew you would do anything to be with them. Now add the following few factors: you're sick, you don't feel well, you're sitting for five hours for SAT prep, you're dreaming of that fifteen minute break during which everyone calls their own friends to call yours and talk and escape from reality. Then that break comes and it turns out your best friend is having the time of their life, pleasantly enjoying themselves without a thought toward your state.. without a thought about you at all, probably. Now, when you're sick, you want attention, you want to see that someone cares for your well being and wants to see you. You want to hear that invitation, "Hey, maybe you can come and we'll hang out together," whether or not you can go at all. But that indifference, that lack of concern.. God. That's like a hot iron right up your ass. But then people think you're crazy because you're being too obessive and not giving your friend breathing room, but you remember the times you spent with your friend when they were sick. And you remember the time you gave up for them and the excuses you gave to spend half an hour with them. And you remember the times when they promise they'd be there for you. And you remember how they wished they could be there for you when you didn't feel good but they really couldn't make it. There's that hot iron right back up your ass again. Now, it's not like you don't want your friend to enjoy themselves, you do, but I'm sure you don't like being ignored or turned down during a phone call.

I reflect and I think and I contemplate for as long as I can, but I can't understand. Why do I give and care and do as much as I do when it does not get reciprocated?

I'll go think about that in bed as my body eats away at itself and I fall into a drowsy slumber dreaming of what today could have been like. When you're sick, you dream of wonderful, beautiful lies. I'd like that.

Ok, I had the most amazing day today only I have a massive leg cramp and it REALLY REALLY hurts. I don't remember being in this much pain because of a leg cramp. I can't take it, I want to kill myself. Oh my god, I can't hold still! Ack!! Today was a half day. I met Alex and we walked to school and we saw thick black smoke coming out of the roof of our building. They let us in to the school but I was afraid throughout gym that they'd evacuate us and I wouldn't have my clothes. Anyway, the four periods went by without a hitch but we had to stay after dismissal to do fundraising for the Find A Cure Club during open-school afternoon. Me and Alex walked around for two hours collecting money and donations and we did pretty well. Along the way we met Yana and Ron who said they'd take over the fundraising so we were free to go to the city as we planned. Anywho, we got to the city and went to a really nice Italian restaurant, first in a while because Alex hates Italian food since its all the same. We ate and talked and it was nice, as it usually is. I was really happy sitting with him and talking, it just empitomizes the honesty in our relationship. After our wonderful lunch, we went to this store on 34th street where I finally bought myself a thin, silver bracelet and chain. I've been waiting to do that for a really long time. Then we walked back to where we ate and went to Black Cup, a cafe where this cool Asian guy worked. Alex and I had tea and a chocolate croissant as we got kinda violent and started playing around. I really hurt myself, though, but it was funny. The tea was good too, although I ended up taking Alex's tea and he took mine because there was no distinction of labels. After tea, we went to the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater to watch this bloody musical comedy Killgore. It was so great, we really liked it and it was really funny, too. It only cost $15 and it was kind of underground, but I'm glad I found it. It was during the show that I suddenly got my leg cramp, but I was being entertained so I didn't notice. Anyway, after the show we took a quick ride home and Alex and I took advatange of our time alone. Then my parents came home with my sick sister who was given over to me to take care of and I completely ignored Alex for the last 15 minutes for which I felt really bad. I suddenly went from extacy to shock and confusion. My father was giving orders and I was trying to do what I needed to do, remembering that Alex had to leave soon and I wasn't even spending the last few minutes with him. Finally, I got her to bed and I walked Alex downstairs and said a quick goodbye. I ran upstairs and my father began lecturing and I suddenly just burst into a sob. So I came here. The pain in my leg is now really intense and I just can't imagine why. I had a really, really fun time today with you, Alex. It was really very wonderful and We've come to realize how cool we are together. I love being with you and hanging out with you and I never regret spending one day, one moment with you because every second I spend is a taste of heaven on earth. I had such an amazing time because you make it wonderful. I love you and thank you so much for tonight.

I'm off to amputate my left leg.

Crazy week. It flew by really fast. Alex and I really got into jazz so we decided we're in our jazz phase. Pretty cool, huh? We've been through so much together, life with him is an adventure, and although I never really know what's next, I know I'm going to love it. So this Friday we went back to the Chinese restaurant on 34th that we used to go to last year and we talked about college. So Alex is considering going to school in L.A. and although now is not the time to be worrying about it, I just wonder about how detached we would be. Obviously, its not my choice. My dad told me that he wants me to stay in New York for my undergrad years and that's exactly what I wanted to do, but I can't imagine Alex being 102871371294 miles away. This is stupid though, why should I be deciding where he wants to go for him? I just know that I'd feel pretty empty if he were so far away for such a long time. Anyway, after we ate and talked and laughed, we got up and went to Starbucks where we drank and talked and laughed. That's how it usually goes. We always have such good times together, no matter where we go or what we do and that is so wonderful to know. After the coffee and whatnot, we went to the movies and Alex used his charm to get us into Team America which we decided was not really very good at all. The one part that I thought was hilarious was when black cats were used as pathers and it looked amazingly funny. When we got home, we layed around for a little and I took an awfully long time being a baby. Anyway, I'm glad I didn't get too much work this weekend, but Alex did and he STILL decided to come over. Silly boy, but I love him. He left me drained and weak, and he could hardly walk, but its because we're good at what we do. Till next week.

Yet another weekend blog. Hurray! I think I failed my physics and psychology quizzes today, but thats just too bad. I have a lot of work this weekend, so sad. I didn't finish my SAT prep HW either, whoopsie. After school, me and Alex jumped on the train and went to this restaurant Josie's [Amsterdam and 74th] where we've been a few times before. While Alex went to wash his hands, I kept looking over to the table kind of next to us at this one man who looked really familiar. When Alex came back, we came to the consensus that sitting two tables away from us was Dana Carvey! Oh my god, it was so cool! Alex wanted to say "hi" but was too scared, and so was I. We're 99% sure it was him and Alex couldn't stop talking about it afterwards. After lunch we walked to Loews to watch I Heart Huckabees. We were late and the movie was rated R, but Alex is a smooth talked so we got in and got to watch it. Great movie, I definitely recommended, only not for stupid people. It was funny and Dustin Hoffman was wonderful. After the movie, we went to the Starbucks by Lincoln Center and sat around for a long time talking, looking through a book on the 101 movies of all time and George Carlin's book with a bunch of funny quotes, lines, and stories. I love just sitting with him and talking over tea/coffee, and thats exactly what we did. Eventually we started to make our way home. On the train we helped out a Russian lady who needed to get to Brighton Beach; we felt special. When we got off the train, we saw some guy pick the lock to the gate and slide through. I wish I could do that so I didn't have to sneak across the tracks every day. Anyway, Alex came over for about half an hour and I worked my magic. I'm magical. Today went off without a hitch, certainly much better than last time when we spent most of the day getting angry. Today was perfect because I was actually feeling so much better and I think we really enjoyed ourselves. I know I had a lot of fun the whole day. I love you, baby, and I've never been so crazily in love.

It's certainly been a while, hasn't it? Well, I don't think there's much to tell that hasn't changed. I still get a shit load of work. I don't know what's happening to me. Maybe all this work and stress. One thing after another after another, it never ends. It really is a pain. I've been moody lately and so far almost every morning and every afternoon I get angry at Alex for the stupidest things. I've become so sensitive to his jokes and his actions, its rediculous. I don't feel happy. I hate the way I'm acting. I hate the way how work is constantly on my back. I have no time to relax, and when I can slip in an hour with my boyfriend, it feels like it never happened in the first place. I constantly want to cry. And cry and cry and cry. But nothing ever comes and there's certainly no reason to cry. My greatgrandmother has been living with us for about three or four weeks. She's dying. At 92, its hard to hold up. But I can't face it. I know that one day I'm going to come home and she'll be gone. I want to know about her. I want to ask. I just don't know how. She never was talkative about her past, none of my relatives are. Its such a mush to me. I feel all this piling on me, one thing over another, and I can only wake up and do it all over again. Jesus, I'm only 16 years old! Ugh, I feel like shit.

So last weekend me and Alex went to see Motorcycle Diaries which was really great. We both really liked it. We went to a nice restaurant that had this open garden kind of thing where we ate. I took him to Miro Cafe on Broadway. I felt pretty shitty that day too and in the middle we began clawing at each others' throats. I hate that. I hate arguing over stupid things. It makes me really angry at myself for letting myself go and letting my emotions get the better of me. Anyway, the Friday was spent well in the long run. Last Saturday I went to my SAT Prep classes with Gela. The math teacher always says in a thick Russian accent "You understand?" We had so much fun for about 5 hours worth of prep. Hurray! I can't wait until tomorrow morning!!! That evening I came over Alex's house where he had a big thing because his mother got engaged, or so I think that was the main reason for the party. I had wine and got red in the face. His family friends' kids were there so we were kinda trying to entertin each other. Me and Alex and his friend Alex who I met during the Pink Floyd show (go read about that) watched The Pink Panther with Peter Sellers. It was nice to be with him, but I was so tired from 5 hours of SAT that I felt shitty, again, and made things difficult for myself. I got home late and got yelled at for other reasons so I felt like the day went to waste.

Fast forward to Wednesday. Still no blog from Alex. Surprise, surprise. I cut my hair Wednesday afternoon and now I have a bob. I look like a 1920's girl, like Millie from "Thouroughly Modern Millie," that Broadway show I've never seen. Or like Catherine-Zeta Jones in Chicago. Or like Amelie. Anyway, it gets really short, almost buzzed in the back. People said I look very cute and most people like it. My major concern was that Alex wouldn't like it because its pretty short, but he said he loved it so I was content. Today is of course the start of the grand three-day weekend. No lack of homework, let me tell you that. I was hoping to hang out with Alex this weekend or at least today, but went off to the Poconos. Morris is going to New Jersey and now I realize that I probably wouldn't have time anyway. I got angry and moody again today. After school I threw a tantrum almost. I screamed nasty things at Alex. I tried to get the better of myself and eventually calmed down. It sucks so much that he left. He didn't know he was leaving on Friday, I didn't know he was leaving at all. I didn't want to walk to the train station right away so I stood around with Alex by the pizza place. I said "Don't gooo" and "Take me with you," and he took it completely in the wrong way. He said that I had no manners because I was inviting myself and you should NEVER invite yourself. Well, I wasn't even making that attempt. Its just one of those things you say, like if a friend is going to France and you wanna go, you can easily say "Take me with you! Put me in your trunk!" without creating an invitation. It made me angry that he even got that intention, that he didn't understand how I wanted to spend time with him after this grueling week. I mean, it is pretty much the same story every week now, but spending time with him always helps me relax and focus. I was angry and frustrated as if he didn't care in the least eventhough I knew he did. I don't know what throws me into these retarded notions. I feel so stupid and incompetent of controlling myself. I feel like my easygoingness, my outgoingness, my sense of humor and fun and laughter have all perished from me and now I'm just an anal bitch with nothing better to do that completely turn off her boyfriend. I don't feel good. I don't feel happy about myself. I don't feel good about myself. My world is standing on its head and I'm still trying to learn where its head is. Why this senseless internal abuse, I ask you? I hate being in this state. I'm so tired....

Happy Birthday, Michelle! My mean, cranky, threatening, vicious, angel of a sister turned 8 today. Yay!
Happy Yom Kippur, although there's nothing happy about being hungry. Fasting today, as usual, doing my homework, as usual, all alone in the house, as usual. I managed to do my homework today which means tomorrow is free for enjoyment at the brithday picnic thing. Anywho, I went to a Green Day concert with Margie on Wednesday. It was really fun because they sound 100 times better live. The crowd was huge and we were really squished but we managed to get a good look of Billy Joel. Yay. Alright, so here are some photos:

Their album "American Idiot" is not like their old ones. Certainly a lot less punky. Its like pop-rock now. Meh. Heres what it looks like:

I'm hungry and mean and grumpy and upset because no one has been talking to me all day. Not even my boyfriend who I love and cherish and wait for to hear his voice. Bkawaoijwenfacnfailw!@!@#!$(@%U@!#. Adios.

Today was simply fantastic. Since I've had so much work and stress over the past week, today was the first time I got to spend some quality time with Alex. We went to the city right after school and got off at Union Square. I bought "In the Zone" for my sister because tomorrow is her birthday. We then walked a little down 3rd Avenue and then through St. Marks, Alex's first time, mind you. We eventually got to Houston and moved into the Lower East Side where we had dinner in this Habana Restaurant on Elizabeth St. I had my favorite fried plantains, =], and some steak. Steak! After dinner we wanted to go to Cake-O, a really nice, tiny cafe. On the way there we hit some grand carnaval in Little Italy that stretched down Mulberry between Canal and Houston. There was so much food and people and music and games and lights! AH! Alex played the game where you shoot water to get to the top and he won a dog for me. Or rather, he won, and I hinted that I should get his prize. We also had deep-fried Oreos which were really strange. It was good, but.. just really weird. We found Cake-O and sat there for an hour and a half. At first we drank our tea and doodled in the little notepads they give you. It was fun to doodle. Then this guy sat down and played ragtime and romance music on the piano and it was really cool. Alex wrote me 4-page love letter in the little notebook. It made me so amazingly happy. I couldn't stop smiling and feeling so wonderful. All I did was lok at him and smile until I thought my heart would explode. When he finished writing about how much he loves me, I got up and kissed him across the table and all of a sudden my heart erupted and I was so amazingly happy to be there, with him, at that exact moment. It was absolutely thrilling. Meanwhile, the guy kept playing his music and it went so well together. As I read what he was writing, the music and the words produced such an effect of happiness on me, it was simply unbelievable. He was really happy he wrote something to me but he got kinda upset because I didn't rip out the pages and take them home. I didn't take them because his letter was like a statement of his love to me that would be expressed to all people reading that letter. The same effect as if he wrote in his xanga. For me, its a moment in history that was recorded and everyone can look at it and wonder what we were like. We are in love. Simply in love. For the rest of the time we spent at Cake-O, me and Alex just talked over the piano and it was very calming, very sincere and open. I love talking to him, it makes me feel that much more complete. When we got back to Brooklyn we hung out with Sandi and her new boyfriend who lives near me for about 45 minutes. Before he left, I took care of some business, and he went home. This day was all I ever wanted it to me. Thruthfully, its the small things that really make your life, not the 100$ prom or whatever, its evenings with the guy you love in the city that you adore. Alex is trully a unique and special individual. Thank you, Alex, thank you for making this day so wonderful. Thank you for making me feel loved and important in your life. Thank you for all you've done for me, thank you for being my friend and companion. I love you.

The four-day weekend went by really fast. I felt kinda lost and detached for my body and my life but I managed to finish all my work. Saturdays are now going to be no-freedom days. I hate SAT math prep from 9-11:30, piano/vocal lessons 1-2, and SAT Enlgish prep from 2:30-5. Fun, eh? My vocal teacher said I have a very good soprano voice. Peachy. Anywho, I worked on my hw this weekend and got everything done in time, as always. I received my first backhanded compliment today. The essay I slaved over for English on Sunday was returned today with a nice comment from Ms. Lehrman about how I plaigarized it. After a good, private cry and a then a long private conversation with the Ottey of Enlgish, I was told that my level of writing was so much above normal junior-level writing that it seemed like plaigarism. Good thing, too. Today my guidance counselor was telling me about a program for kids with over 92 averages for SAT prep. I was about to agree when she added that the yearly household income has to be below a certain point. I then realized that its hard to be white, rich, and healthy. You can never get anything for free, or reduced, just because you're smart. Yes, it was alright to provide free shit for blacks after slavery and segregation and whatnot, but now, decades later, its ok to let that shit go. Black people are no longer being suppressed and discriminated against much. So many scholarships for college are given to minorities, regardless of yearly household income. Being rich, white, and healthy is something that everyone in the US wants to be, and yet when you get there, you're on your own, you'll never be able to depend on the government the same way. I'm going to a Green Day concert tomorrow with Margie since she won free tickets on KRock and whatnot. Hopefully it wontbe too long because I usually have a lot of work, but then again, Green Day's songs are like 3 minutes long. Anyway, my mommy will pick us up and it'll be fun. Hurrah! I was hoping Alex would like to go but then I remembered he has Kaplan. Too bad. Its funny to see though how much I include him into my life, how much I think about him regarding anything he'll find interesting, useful, or helpful. He's such a big part of my life now, despite the fact that he's moved on from gentle kisses and sweet nothings to terrorizing me and being mean. Meanie! I mean, I would want to know if he shares the same feelings I do but thats not very likely. Nonetheless, I put up with his abuse and I mold myself to his interruptions because I love him. Call me crazy. Call me neck-deep in love. Booga wooga!

Happy year and a half to Alex. Yay.

Second day of school and I'm already piled up. Crazy teachers. Mr. Hardmond decided not to elaborate on the homework and spent the period talking about how youre supposed to have a discussion in our groups. Retard. During lunch I said hi to the gay freshman that I saw on the first day walking back and forth in his pink shirt. I always wanted to have a gay friend. I don't know his name but I told him I'd see him around and left him standing on the corner or the hall outside the lunchroom. I went to my guidance councelor and decided that I'd be a monitor for her. What with colleges and SATs, I could get an inside scoop on it all. Besides, I don't have the most exciting group of people to sit with at lunch. I walked around afterwards, talked to Stephen and such. The day went smoothly. Alex left early because he can afford to do that. I got on the train with Allan and me and him sat there and tried to solve this math problem. He got it right but I told him he did it wrong so then we worked at it for 20 minutes and realized I was wrong. I felt stupid and he yelled at me. Then he offered to make me and Alex a romantic dinner, but I told him that would be kinda awkward for all three of us. We decided he'd cook me something and give it to me in the morning. Something with shrimp. *ponders* When we got out of the station, the exit was locked. That usually means I would have to walk all the way to the other end, get out, and walk back that same distance since the subway exit is right across the street from my house. I did that yesterday and its a bitch. Lucky for me and Allan, there was some guy there who helped us cross the tracks with another kid from Tech. I was last and it was so exciting! He warned us about where the third rail is and made sure I was ok. I got down last and he screamed at Allan for not waiting for me because I'm a girl and I'm a friend so he has to look out for me. Anyway, I felt so rebellious and it made it a fuck of a lot easier getting home. Then I came home and did all my fucking homework, I can't believe I had time to blog. Ta-ta!

First day of school wasn't so bad. Everything went by pretty fast considering the periods were shortened. I like most of my teachers and I'm looking forward to sucking up and impressing them when I need to. I have my usual 1-9 schedule. Alex got a 1-8 schedule which was weird and now I'm going to be lonely in the afternoons since he leaves earlier. Mayhaps he shall wait for me? I get to see him in the mornings though, which is nice, and we have class across the hall from each other third period. I'm so used to seeing him everyday after school though, its gonna be tough to swallow. Here's my schedule:

1 - English - Lehrman
2 - Yoga - Weitz
3 - Physics - Rogers
4 - Government - Hardmond
5 - Lunch
6 - Pre-Cal - Vinik
7 - Research Methodology - Avery
8 - Orchestra - Lapierre
9 - AP Psychology - Rosenberg

I know at least one person in each class I'm in and already have their phone numbers which makes me feel safe. I finally have class with Margie, which is great. I have yoga, the lazy gym, second period which allows for sleeping time during "meditation." Fifth period lunch splits the day in half although I rather have seventh because you only have two classes left afterwards. Oh, Alex has seventh period, another reason I would love to have seventh since I have no one to sit with other than Tolga and Subashis. He has one class after lunch, that lucky bastard... People told me how cute he looked, and I suppose they told him too. I got no comments from anyone. It was funny to stand on the train with my physics book and look down on all the freshmen with their biology books, ha. What else is good news? Oh, I finally got a locker and since I'm on the sixth floor, east side 4 periods in the day (1,4,7,9), that is REALLY convenient. A funnier coincidence is that all of my classes are on the east side which means I don't walk through any of the other halls all day. Yoga allows me to wear whatever shoes I want, sneakers are not a must. Alex has swimming and thats pretty cool. I love him so much.

Wow, I've had a great week before school. Wednesday I went to Manhattan to hang out with Nic. We went to see Paparazzi which was a pretty shitty movie. Whatever, you can't please 'em all. I went to his house and we had lunch in some diner and talked about depressing things like ambition, the future, and life. On Thursday Alex came over in the morning. We lay around and then we had Chinese food whilst watching American Wedding, Alex's first time, my second. At around 6 we left to Manhattan and had Starbucks after which we proceeded to the Knitting Factory to see Regina Spektor perform. First there were a few films, short experimental type bullshit. Then there was this girl Jenny who played guitar and sang. She was nervous but still managed to be funny. She played this song "Lightning Rod" which I really liked but completely forgot how its goes. Then Regina came on stage and everyone was really happy. She played and sang beautifully, as always, and, without disappointment, played a whole lot of new songs. After she finished, a bassist and a cellist came on stage and they played five songs together which was really great. We got home late because the subway was being a douche bag. On Friday I went to see Alex who was at his stepdad's mother's house on Brighton. I love her, she so small and quiet and sweet and me and her always complain about how badly Alex treats us. Heehee. After we had lunch we walked the UA and watched Garden State, Alex's first, my second. I really like it and I'm glad Alex got to see it. The weekend was simply amazing. I had a lot of fun at a sleep over that was more than I ever expected it to be. I had Chinese food again, which would make it *counts fingers* three times this week. Is that healthy? Today I went to see my great-grandmother in the hospital and then me and my parents went to the Boardwalk and had lunch at Tatiana.

I going back to piano and I'm starting singing lessons as well. I can't wait. This is the first time I really want to do something. I really want to sing. The last weekend upstate I sang infront of a lot of people and it occured to me that it is a whole lot of fun. Going back to playing piano won't be so bad either, in fact, I wanted to return to it this past year. Tomorrow we are all off to school. Here's to another new school year, another chance at life and friendship. Here's to fucking up really bad on a math test and forgetting about in two months. Here's to cramming, hyperventalating, freaking out, and getting sick the day before a big test. Here's to deadlines and nervousness. Here's to lack of sleep and nourishment. Here's to the most sadistic year of high school. Hello Brooklyn Tech.

New layout, as you can see. Leave me alone, I got lazy. I have absolutely no interest in making anything nicer at the moment.

So I'm back from upstate. I had a really good summer this year. I spent a month going to Constitutional Law Courses in Columbia all of July and then I spent an amazing 10 days in LA with Alex. After California, it was time to go back to good ol' Dingle Daisy for 4 weeks. It was actually a really fun Dingle Daisy summer. We drank and smoked and stayed up all night. There was a lot of rain but then the last week it got really nice. We watched movies on Ilya's laptop and in the theaters. I saw Garden State, an amazing movie that I strongly recommend, Open Water, and Hero, twice. I got drunk for the first time upstate and destroyed my camera when the boat tipped over into the water. I waited for Alex for so long and was extatic to see him when he came up for the last weekend. We had some really great times though. I actually went back-to-school shopping this summer because my mother came up for two weeks. I sang in front of all the grown ups and they told me I have a beautiful voice and that I should keep singing. There were chickens that snored and crowed and there was the Country Store to which you could bike. Anyway, it was really eventful, its just that everything is slipping my mind at the moment. Morris insists that dogs have long mouths. I haven't changed much. Still short only now with bigger boobs. My hair grew out and I think i need a hair cut.

I spent all day at Alex's house. Whew. What a day. We went at it like monkeys! I've come to notice more and more how much we were meant for each other and how perfect things are. I love you, Alex. Thank you VERY much for today, it was a great release of tension on my part.

I really don't want to go back to school. I used to want to see who my teachers were and who I would have lunch with but now I'm completely uninterested. Phooey. I hope I have lunch with someone I know but that hasn't happened in a while and I always get the crappy lunch period. Ugh, I don't even want to think about school. I can feel the work pilling up already, the reports and tests and essays and deadlines and projects.. AAAAHHHHHHH!! And worst of all, all vacations this year are like a week long, as compared to last years one week and three day vacations.

I love you, Alex. I want to kiss you and lay with you like we did today. I hoped you enjoyed everything as much as I did. You are the best thing to ever happen to me.

DAMN YOU, SALAZAR! BRING ME BACK MY CHILD!