june 25, 2003//7:09pm
good bye sweet summer.

Freshman year is finally over. Came in today for a half an hour to get my report card.

Math - 93
Bio - 99
Yoga - 95
Strings - 100
French - 91
Global - 95
Technology - 99
English - 97
Average: 95.75

This day slipped away like sand from the tips of my fingers. I am leaving upstate after tomorrow and will most likely stay there for the whole summer. Emily is finding her way way down there in Hawaii for three weeks worth of ballet performances, so good luck and have fun! I'm used to going away for the whole break, spending two months with the people I've known for more than six years in the rural towns of New York. Sounds like an oximoron, doesn't it? Well, this year is no different other than my heart will be somewhere else. I left my heart in San Fransisco LA. I love you, Alex, and I'll miss you more than ever. Well, I'll miss you all eventhough we shall once again meet in September. And if I do have a chance to return to the city and update on my blog, I'm afraid I shall go on hiatus because there are a lot of problems in my life that I have to think through. Bye everyone! Have an amazing summer!

[edit]
Happy early Birthday to Anna{7/27}, my lovely hostess, and Alex{7/25}<3
[/edit]

june 18, 2003//5:50pm
self-analysis part one.

Hello. My name is Margaret. I am a pathological liar. I come to you, my readers, for support, not in hopes that you tell me everything is going to be ok, just in knowing that I have admitted my problem to someone. So here goes.

I have mentioned it to a few people and most responses go along the lines of "Oh, everyone lies!" I know, I understand that it happens but I'm sick and tired of being untruthful. From a young age I have lied to my parents, my family, my closest relatives. I was afraid of being punished, I was afraid of being hated, I was afraid of taking responsibility. What makes me feel even sicker, though, is that most people I know would kill themselves before lying to their parents. When it comes to me, I sometimes don't even realize I'm doing it. Thats horrible! As time went on, I lied more and began to take it outside to my friends to whom I would, lets say, exaggerate some stories or make some shit up that I thought would make me seem cooler. Eventually, I learned that lying to my friends is bullshit because I'm likeable as is and have stopped.

My problem, however, persists in the family. Everytime I realize that I have lied to my parents yet again, I feel horrible. I strive to stop, I want to be truthful, tell it like it is because it feels so much cleaner when you admit to doing something wrong, when you just tell the truth. I try to stop, and at times, I notice myself going on long periods of time where I don't lie at all, and it feels wonderful! But its as if I'm trying to quit smoking. There comes a circumstance, usually something small that I think I can get away with, in which I find myself letting out a little lie. Trouble is, I then go on this incessant chain of lies, that eventually grow bigger and bigger and all of a sudden, I'm caught, and I begin to feel horrible again. I realize my mistake and so the cycle starts over again.

I don't want to go through this anymore because I have come to realize that my lies are making my relationship with my parents slowly deteriorate. I don't want that to happen. They're losing respect for me, they're losing their trust in me and I can't let that happen. Its tearing me up inside and it hurts so much. There are times when I lie and I KNOW they know I'm lying, but I keep on going. I spread it, it grows bigger, and BAM! it hits me in the head when I'm crying in bed for being reprimanded. I know that no matter how much I lie to my parents, they'll always have at least one grain of love left for me. But what's going to happen to me when this shit is going to start with my boyfriend? my best friend? my friends in general? My reputation is reputation is going to be fucked and I would have to move on to another group of people who will eventually learn about this problem too? Im scared of what people think of me and of what kind of damage I can do to myself. I don't know where to start fixing all this.

june 15, 2003//1:53pm
how i spent my sunday morning.

You are 100% gay...whether you know it or not your
a lesbian. Dont try to deny it, it'll come back
to haunt you if you do. Just accept it and
move on...and gimme a call ^_*
How gay are you?(for girls)

Check out which fruit you are

this is my way to live
What about yours?

I'll be damned. You ARE bisexual AFTER all!

Your Hidden Sexual Talent is Being Multi-Orgasmic!

YOU HAVE BREAST IMPLANTS!!!
What's YOUR deepest secret?

What kind of ANIME BOOBS do you have?

What kind of porno would you star in?

june 14, 2003//8:09pm
for all that you are to me..

He is so wonderful in so many ways. He always knows how to make me laugh and giggle and sigh out of sheer happiness. He knows how to make me feel beautiful, special, loved. He so cool! He totally knows how to deal with kids and that is so wonderful. Today was just more than I imagined it could ever be, a splendid way to celebrate, I think. I had an awesome day because he can make anything seem ten thousand times better than it is. He's always happy and cheerful and always knows how to lif my mood. I have never in my life experienced such feelings for anyone and I'm glad I have them now. I have learned to know you, I have learned to adore you, I have learned that you are my world. I love you, Alex Skuratovsky.

june 11, 2003//7:39pm
oh the places youll go!

If you were in a pepsi twist commercial, who or what, out of anything or anyone in the whole world, real or imaginary, would you unzip to be?

xeroxedass: alex borestein
whatudowhatusay: hm...a big billy bob!
thegrubinclub: cheburashka
Zabelik: i would be halle berry
Shnilya: the pepsi
JoeyC134: i would be an orange
HaTeSenSaTiOn666: i would be a pigeon
Rough Ruff Rut: the can cuz i like to change and change and all the famous peole lik me
mikegenie: a euglena
MoonXAngel0248: i would be a person
Highlyx0xEvolved: the.. umn.. pepsi
TO0MuchFreeTime: I'd be the one drinking regular Pepsi, laughing at the idiots drinking that crap.
dEvLBaBe101: a pickle
AzNxFaNtAsY727: halle berry
loud Hearted: a big fat Pikachu
Gurlie257: unzip....yo mama
EcStacey143: ooooh i know jenifer lopez lol
Helixwolf258: i would be Martin Broduer
SyEgWaBiNg: i'm not tiffany, i'm michelle branch =P
SilverDragonGX: uhhhh i would unzip from being a pepsi to being another pepsi
ArcheryMaster7: the can
Jewishthang323: u
MaRkOvAChKA: um ... kobe bryant
M o r T v e I: um.. a pepsi twist
Azkikr27: bugs bunny
VoOdOosHaDypoop: u
bklyn chic01: cheburashka
TAZA 32: i guess ill be bill gates
ALeshchins: I would be Nicole Kidman or Bozo the Clown or maybe Keira Knightley with bigger boobs
bOixWitHxIsSuEs: umm........a transexual lesbian
Hazardousvirus63: lol; Lt. Johnson
MsSmartGrl: a sexy supermodel
Xxexquizitxx: a girl
PseudoTeenAngst: Alan Nidich [Mark Twain Gym Teacher]
Skablader95: gwen stefani
OsamYomam: Dave Grohl
CreameCookie: sponge bob square pants
BuSiNeSsEnVy: a faggot!
GHettoDEVILz02: tom cruise
CaduceusMike: hmm...wonder woman
Tenshi no Kaimei: I would probably unzip to be this sadistic killer
FIyguy341: neil forrest or munh
Tiashe1: halle berry
Heidi loves FOOD: MR GREENSTEIN
Burzhuin: Bond, James Bond :-)
Ma Za Fa Ka 926: ben affleck, so i can squeeze j los ass all day
lifo says: richard simmons
theshadowpuff: errm...gates' son
Lost Choir Boy: I'd be a video game and then I'd fall to floor and shatter
tes3408: a monkey
acousticguy525: Ashton Kutcher
EMeticWOnder: i wud unzip to be..legolas. so i can go and grab my own ass.
p0oh beaR anna: a banana

If you do not appear in this survey and you're on my buddy list, don't worry I'll get to you and you will be added.

june 04, 2003//10:01pm
if music be the food of love, play on!

I watched The Pianist, an amazing movie that everyone must see. I would discuss further but I got everything out of my system in the following conversation.

Me: i just saw the pianist
Dima: isnt it great? what a wonderful movie
Me: i cant believe it.. he just sat down and played like he didnt care about anything else in the world, not anything at all, and he played.. he fucking played like he was still playing for the radio yesterday and he played with all sincerity.. omg i cant stop crying
Me: it was so beautiful
Me: the way his fingers moved
Me: and the way you could just feel how he felt
Me: ive been crying so hard im fucking shaking
Me: he just came alive
Me: and it was him and the music..
Me: my god, his fingers..
Me: i hope you make me cry like this one day, dima, make me proud
Me: i cant breathe lol i cant stop crying
Me: aaaaaaaaaaaand i scared you away.. thats alright, thats cool
Dima: wait
Dima: you didnt
Dima: i am writing like a whole explanation
Dima: I fully understand how you feel because I feel the same way when I listen to great performances.That , my friend, is called love. It is something that every musician is responsible for. You have to respect music, you have to love it. When I practice, it can be very difficult to bring yourself to do it, but it is worthwhile. After all the work, I go out and play. Onstage, I forget all about everyone around me and try not to pretend that my music is reaching the ears of the audience, but to pretend and feel the music just stretching through the space around me, listening to it and fully understanding it. The ballade number 1 that Szpilman played in the movie is actually not true. He played in real life a Nocturne by Chopin. However, the ballade is a tremendously beautiful piece.
Me: *sigh* im so overwhelmed
Me: now my head hurts and my eyes are red a poofy and my nose hurts from the tissues but its so worth while.. ive cried so much for the past week but this is the first times my tears had any real, tangible meaning to them
Me: i just..
Me: im speechless
Dima: i undersatnd
Dima: understand*
Me: its funny, i didnt cry through the whole movie until that part.. from the second his nimble shaking fingers touched those smooth white keys, i just burst, here he's running around searching for food and shelter and safety and all of a sudden, he gets handed this beautiful body, this beautiful, i darent call it an instrument, its like some portal to god, and he just.. lives
Dima: I almost cried because of the music.
Me: i know im not much of a musician as compared to the rest of the scholars out there but i felt such respect such undenying, undying devotion to his fingers, to the music, to every single note.

And I mean every word.

june 3, 2003//8:49pm
fuck you for putting hate in me.

I hate it when my music teacher makes me play octaves that hurt and stretch my tiny hands. She initially wants me to play this exercise for a two-octive length but she doesnt tell me that until I finish doing it for a one-octave lenght. And my hands hurt a lot. Yet she never cares. She'll never tell me to play it for a two-octave length from the start. Thats so much like my mother.

I'm not even going to go any further because I just stopped crying and I don't want to start again.

june 2, 2003//6:53pm
im staring at her tits, its the wrong way.

So the wedding was a complete waste of my time. I would've rather watched Media Player visualization while listening to Britney sing "Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know", or even better, "I Will Always Love You" and eating lima beans! However, Sunday was AMAZING, in more ways than one, ahem, in more ways than five.

Went to the dentist today. Did I say dentist? I meant anasthesia-greedy, drill-holes-in-your-teeth -while-you-squirm-in-the-seat, fog-up-your-glasses, dont-concentrate-so-I-drill-your-tongue ASSHOLE. Yeah. Now I'm one tired fuck with a headache and a burning tongue. Kiss it for me? Please?

*sniffle* I drank some tea and listened to some Sublime and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Its all good.

june 1, 2003//12:10am
i fucking hate him.

This entry has been deleted due to much wrongdoings on my part. I am so sorry.

may 26, 2003//4:06pm
and all we are is oh so far.

     Like all great tragedies, this one begins with a girl. He had looked into her eyes so many times before, submerging himself into those dark green pools of engimatic beauty. He always knew that if he’d turn around, she would be standing behind him, smiling until the corners of her mouth gently folded themselves neatly together in her cheeks. The wind ceaselessly blew the hair into her eyes and it would tickle the surface of her imperfect, pale skin. But he never noticed the tears streaming down her flushed, round flesh, begging for him to realize that she needed him now more than ever to show her the world and open up the fountain of emotions concealed within her chest. He was forever blinded, refusing to hear those incessant pleas she whispered softly to his heart. It wasn’t until she was gone, a fallen victim to the pains of childbirth, that he realized just how much he need her in his life. He had closed his eyes and in what felt like a second, she had vanished forever.
     It had been a few years back when his eyes ran into her inside The Lagoon. She sat in the corner, cross-legged, cigarette in hand, her red skirt flowing down her legs and the curls by her eyes gently bobbing up and down as she looked up to the ceiling, slowly releasing long whisps of smoke through her dainty lips. The soft murmur of the bar became softened and he listened to her heart beat steadily. He felt her chest rise with every breath and her blood rush through each capillary, polishing her face, highlighting her porcelain skin. Running his fingers quickly through his slick hair, he let his heart drag his feet toward her.
     "Summertime, and the living is easy..."
     "Come dance with me."
     "If only I knew how."
     "Come, get up, I’ll lead. I want you to dance with me."
     She never wanted to dance. He needed her to place her hand gently onto his wide shoulder, to intertwine her fingers with his, to glide around on the polished floors of the room, but that was too much to ask for. That’s why he loved her. He thought he could change her. He thought he could teach her to dance.

To be continued.

My chocolate cake is gone and I have been left unsatisfied. Hrumph. *sigh*

may 25, 2003//6:41pm
b-e-a-utiful! eeeheehee=]

Wow. Freshman year is almost over. I can't believe we made it through alive, even if some limbs are missing. I've made so many friends acquaintances, learned so many names, got so many numbers I'm never going to call. I distinguished to myself those people I want to be friends with and those people that could just go suck a big ape nut. I guess it went by kind of fast, but you know how those things are.

I got to see both Bruce Almighty and The Matrix: Reloaded this weekend. Bruce Almighty was a GREAT movie, funny, charming, and it had a plot worth thinking about. Everyone should go out there and see it! However, Matrix was very, and I mean VERY disappointing. It got to the point where the action scenes were so long that you wanted them to start talking already and the talking parts were so long that you wanted them to start fighting already. It was very long, very stretched out, and the ending was shitty. But there were a few things I liked: the graphics, the plot, and the chocolate cake.

Speaking of which, lately I've been feeling like I ate a whole damn bakery worth of that chocolate cake. My god. And to make it better, he nibbled on my ear! GAH!! *melts into a bubbly pool of extacy*

may 22, 2003//5:15pm
i've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!

What?! I DO! Meanwhile, work is overwhelming me, but its thanks to my hard work that I was placed into Chem Honors, Eglish Honors, and Global Honors, not to mention that I also got placed into the next level of strings! WOOHOO!! I'm glad I've done so much progress since September so next year I'll be performing =]

Speaking of performances, my baby played his geetar infront of an audience on stage for the first time on Sunday. I was there, right beside him, supporting him all the way with all my heart because I had faith in him. Now if only my bra showed that kind of support..

Its such rainy weather. All week it should be wet and sticky. It reminds a lot of upstate, where the ground never really dries completely and everyone sits around, huddled under the only impermeable umbrella, eating seed and drinking very sweet tea, telling jokes and singing songs. I really do miss that atmosphere, the feeling that theres nothing to be done. Theres nothing to really worry about but everyone is surrounded by this air of indifference. No one has any direction. There is nothing to look forward to and we become so tired of each other. Remember Manhunt? God, we played that game EVERY night and when all the big kids got tired of playing, the little kids would all run up to the speaker screaming "WHO EVER WANTS TO PLAY MANHUNT COME TO BUNGALO ONE!" I think it was my fault. I never took it seriously.. I hid behind my finger. There is so little to remember and we always swear not to return the next year but we always do. And when we realize we're being hypocritical, we cover things up by promising that we're going to make a difference this summer. I can almost cut the symbolism with a knife. But not today.

may 17, 2003//11:45pm
you're a splinter cell.

You're like a splinter in my head, you're there, always there. Now, you're always on my mind, always there, on my mind. In my head, always in my head. And the harder I try to get you out, the deep you burrow in, like a splinter. You're a splinter to me. You're cutting into my life, youre cutting deep down into me. You're becoming part of me. Burrowing into me. You're a splinter. I can't get you out. I can't get you out.

may 16, 2003//5:30pm
matter of fact, its all dark.

"And I am not frightened of dying, any time will do, I don't mind. Why should I be frightened of dying? There's no reason for it, you've gotta go sometime."
"If you can hear this whispering you are dying."
"I never said I was frightened of dying."

I wish I knew what death was all about because I'd like to be prepared. I can't imagine death. Its an idea I can't comprehend. I only imagine it beaing a dreamless sleep that I'll just never wake up from. I can't imagine not ever waking up. I'm afraid of it, yet I acknowledge it being inevitable and natural. But death will take everything away from me. I don't like believing that there is no tomorrow, I just think you have to love life like there isn't one. Death can creep up on you but you can't live like that, constantly looking back to make sure. I'm scared because I won't be me anymore and that freaks me out. Life is so fickle. Embrace death and you embrace destruction. Where to turn? Baby, where to turn?

i can never imagine dying, i can come close though, you know, just like a dreamless sleep that you go into knowing that youll come out of it eventually but then with death you have this uncertainty.. its just this black hole encompassing your being and youre just not.. you just ARENT, not in any way. i fear death but i acknolwedge dying, i know its coming ever faster and i wont always be prepared for it, but i dont want to NOT BE.. it bothers me, like old age bothers me, getting old.. youre growing backwards with age, once again a child being taken care of and eventually you are back to being that one cell, that one cell you started off as, with no memory or emotion or feeling of love and despair, you just are and yet youre not.. its something untangible. theres always this feeling that im slowly dying, hard to change your paradigm to im slowly living because you know youre alive and now like an animal you strive to survive to KEEP living, your ultimate goal in life.. but yeah.. we are just slowly decaying matter thatll be gone, and thats what scares me, being gone, coming back as we are, becoming dead matter with no sense of direction, nothing to turn to, its a dead end and you can never ever escape it.. you can escape life but not death and thats what makes it so incomprehensible to me at times.

may 15, 2003//9:37pm
there is no powerade.

Mnaa. Everyone went to see The Matrix: Reloaded today. Even my technology teacher was getting movie times for a theater near her house. Damn.

I'm really sick and tired. Physically and emotionally. You know when you try really hard and get SHIT in return? I'm tired of that happening. I don't want that anymore. I want the same effort that I put in radiating back to me. My back hurts and I need more sleep. Just tired.

How long should your first time last? Sure, a virgin guy might not last any longer than half an hour, but did you think of the girl? Don't be so selfish. Women have needs that can't be fulfilled in a fifteen-minute fuck.

Finally, I love you. And I haven't stopped loving you since the first day I said it. You mean the world to me.

may 12, 2003//7:05pm
icky sicky.

*coughs*wheezes*coughs* I have SARS!!! And by the time he reads this, Alex's body will be infected with my germs, crawling all over his body, probing his anus! Woah there. Reboot.

Report Card

English - 96
Bio - 99
Math - 94
Global - 90
Music - 99
Gym - 95
Technology - 97

But if I really AM infected with SARS and I happen to be of the 4% of the people who die from it, I can't imagine leaving without, you know, LOSING it. Apparently guys think about sex every, what? 5.3 seconds. What does that make me? A hermaphodite? I think about sex constantly. It amuses me. I find it weird that due to our, say, sensitive organs we get these bolts of pleasure rushing through our heads. Holy Moses, is this healthy? I'm one really horny guy in a woman's body..

I'm just going to end off with what is on my mind: Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.

may 11, 2003//8:14pm
ahh.. the meaning of life.

Life is strange. Very strange. For example, it's an indisputable fact that we are all made of the precise same substance as the most intelligent, creative, magnificent life-forms in the entire planet. Furthermore, we are composed of the exact atomic matter as the mightiest mountains on this planet and the brightest stars in the galaxy. Of course, this is also true for baby carrots, snails, and meatloaf. Perhaps that's why there is so much of life that doesn't make a great deal of sense.

may 9, 2003//8:59pm
lycos, go get it!

Carpe the motherfucking diem, people.. the motherfucking diem. Theres so much that awaits us in the future that we cannot plan for. We can't predict who we're going to end up being friends with in 3 years, we can't predict what course our lives are going to take, hell, we can hardly predict the weather. Thats why you have to come to the realization that there was a yesterday, many many many yesterdays, but only one today. And no tomorrow. Like those damned Romans said it thousands of years ago, sieze the day. Make something happen. To make footprints in the sands of time means getting off your butt. Who would wanna leave buttprints in the sands of time?! Seriously, make someone smile today. Make someone feel cool. Make someone feel loved or appreciated. And it takes so little effort, too. It's kind of hard to comprehend how much people need a simple compliment to make their day even if yours is going shitty. Surprise your significant other by saying something about them that makes you tingle, like the way they shew their gum. Make the most of every day. Make the most of what you are given. Make the most of what you have least of all. Time. And have the time of your life.

[edit]
Yo, when I tell you I'm feeling sick, it's not cool to just leave like that. It's just not. Try once to be compassionate. *cries*
[/edit]

may 8, 2003//5:52pm
pffffff...men.

I saw my dick of an ex today as I walked to the train with Emily. That scumbag put me through so much shit not so long ago and what does he do? He smiles at me. This 6'3 tall pile of shit smiles at me. I didn't say hi, I glanced his way maybe twice and kept talking to Emily. That loser smiled at me like it was his 17th birthday again. Ugh. I really wanted Alex that minute, just to know that I won't be put under what he put me under. At least I hope so.

So this scumbag, this asshole, by the second date, he said he loved me. I, being ever so lonely at the time, fell for it and could've sworn to the divine being Himself that I would die for him. He was a liar, but oh so good at it. I mean, we had a few great times, like the time we played pool, like ONCE, but still. He manipulated my mind through my heart that fluttered at each one of his compliments. This went on for around three weeks. But I always knew there was something wrong. And when I said something, what I got in return was, "I never loved you. I never liked you. Fuck, I hated listening to your stupid jokes. You're a disgusting girl that I want nothing to do with anymore. I only wanted to fuck you. Get over it." Word for word, my friends.

I had lamented over that for a few months, I took it kinda roughly as you might expect. All that shit he said to me, all those lies, all those signs, everything became so clear to me all of a sudden. The mist had spread and I had recognized him for the dick he always was. I think its because of him that I feel so insecure about relationships, all relationships. I always felt insecure but he made it worse. The smallest things bother me, like not being hugged or complimented. I know its not as important, but its little things like that that help me understand that that person is thinking about me and not doing it because its mandatory. I also tend to get nervous when it comes to doing anything sexual unless I want to. I was forced into shit before and thats why I can't continuously be making out. I need to go out and see a movie or walk around. That asshole scared and traumatized me. Anyway, I finally forgot about him and vowed never to utter those three words unless I knew FOR SURE that I really felt the way I did. And I'm so glad to have my pineapple. Because I love him.

may 7, 2003//9:27pm
don't worry! drive happy!

I stood on my rollerblades today for the first time in months and played around with the cars =] I love riding in the middle of the road because its the smoothest there and its fun to play with the cars and go between the white lines =]

You know what bothers me? When really BIG women wear one-strapped bookbags or put their hand bag across the shoulder and the strap goes right between their boobs and one boob is pushed up and ew.

OMG! I was going home and this guy stops me and starts hitting on me. He asks if I want to go out and I say, "Thanks, but I'm taken." And do you know what he does?! He looks at me in a disgusted way and says, "Who would want an ugly girl like you?" =[

Don't you love surprises? Like, they come at you from NOWHERE and you're never really expecting them. Good surprises, though. It just makes your day because you realize that someone else was thinking of you that day and wanted to surprise you and make you happy =]

I've been feeling quite accomplished for the past few days because I actually finish all my homework BEFORE 10-00.

You know you found the right one when they appreciate your attempts to make their day or make up for something you did wrong, no matter how small or insignificant. Hey, I tried =\

I'm going to end on a happy note by saying that if your eyes are blinded by your worries, you can't see the beauty of the sunset.

You're my pineapple!<3

may 4, 2003//10:16pm
oh. to feel like a woman.

When in history were woman turned into sex objects? Way back when it didn't matter if you applied makeup. It didn't matter if you wore designer socks or padded bras. It didn't make a difference whether your hair was haphazard in the morning. You didn't have to worry about how big your boobs were or how small your ass was. No woman worried about making sure she could put out in bed. But as values of women degraded, women degraded. Nowadays we need to feel accepted more than ever with the whole feminist revolution. Now in order to get noticed your tits have to make up half your width, your eyes should be decorated, and your socks have to be from Phat Farm. Women have become fabricated symbols of complex sex toys with knobs. Oh, but he makes me feel like a natural woman.

[edit]
SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!<3
[/edit]

april 30, 2003//4:15pm
WOOOOOO FUCKING HOOOOOO!

Well, the last fairly negative comment was deleted due to its lack of appreciation and exuberance. I'm just really fucking happy! I feel like I should go out and buy myself a year supply of Symphony chocolate which is my absolute favorite and enjoy it like theres no tomorrow! You have to enjoy life! There is no time for sulking and feeling bad for yourself! Besides, when you're convinced no one can make you feel better, you won't and the people around with begin to sulk too! Remember, there was, is, and always will be a bright side to turn to! Feeling lonely? Think of the people around you who would cry if you were gone, and believe me, there are many! Feeling unloved? People respect you and appreciate you for who you are, even if they may not show it.

I wasn't exactly feeling great about myself, my relationship with my family, problems with friends, et al. yesterday. I took some time for myself and I lay there with bad intentions. And then, I realized how much I love him and how he means THE WORLD to me. I realized how I have changed this past year, how much I now appreciate the way my parents brought me up. I was happy to have a home. I was happy to be exposed to the glory this life has to offer me. I was happy to be me! I was ultra-super-uber happy to be alive and breathing this crazy air, to feel the blood pumping in my heart for him, to see the colors and tones of the world and the people carrying on with their lives around me! One lazy summer afternoon, Mike turned to me holding this piece of grass between his thumbs that he was blowing through, "Its crazy. There's music all around us, even in a blade of grass." I felt that yesterday! I felt this urge to live and have children and to teach them what I was feeling at that moment. You have to seize it because its a step closer to finding God. Atheist? Well, its a step closer to reaching your Utopia. Love yourself and people will love you back! You life was given to you with intentions of having you live it and not sulk it away. And even if it really hurts inside, even if you're quietly dying and you think no one understands, no matter how gay this sounds, SMILE and the world will smile back!!!! =]

april 29, 2003//6:42pm
just..fuck.

DELETED!